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[Lionel Mandrake]

I was blitzed out of my mind on nitrous oxide walking through the woods at like 3 AM. As to why exactly I was on nitrous oxide, let's just say if you got some friends in dental hygiene with fucked up senses of humor, avoid going to sleep around them. Anyway, like I said, it's around 3 AM, and I'm starting to come down. But I'm lost. Like, real lost. I'd come to find out later that my friends had driven me to the outskirts of the Teweska forest, a place that was once in consideration for being a national park, but didn't make the cut do to some zoning issue. It was about a two hour drive from my house, and I was deep within.

It's cold. Like, I mean, it's the south, and right around that transitional period between summer and fall. So, not freezing, but around 50-ish. Enough to be uncomfortable in my boxers/t-shirt combo. I'm walking around, rubbing my arms, trying to keep warm, when I hear a voice. Now, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing at this point, because on one hand, "Thank God, humanity." But on the other, "Who the hell would be walking around Teweska at 3 AM on a Wednesday?" I risked it and followed the voice to a clearing with a campfire and an RV. That's where, I shit you not, I found Mavis fucking Beacon.

I know what you're thinking. "That's bullshit, Mandrake. Mavis Beacon is a fictional character." And about a year ago, I would have agreed with you. I didn't even put it together at first. I mean, sure, the pantsuit did get me wondering, but she was the one who came out and said it. She took out ID. Her driver's license, her business card, and a free trial CD with her face on it. Now, I know about 90% of you stopped reading right here. You're thinking, "Even if Mavis Beacon was real, there's no way you stumbled upon her in the middle of an abandoned forest at 3 AM in the foothills of Alabama." But I'm telling you, this shit happened. And no, I wasn't still tripping. I can't prove it, but I know. My mind couldn't come up with this shit.

Mavis reaches into her lunchbox and starts dropping acid. Like a lot of it. I mean, I'm no expert on acid, but she ate like a Bounty paper towel-sized sheet of it. I'm trying to warm up by the campfire, and she takes off her coat. Starts getting all feely. I really just want to go home, and I explain that to her, but she's not really taking the hint. Somehow she convinced me to take my shirt off, and she started feeling all over me. I'm really not into it all, but she goes inside the camper and comes back with some Hawaiian Punch/Everclear mix in a milk jug, and after some of that, I couldn't really control myself anymore.

So, there I am, drunkenly getting it on with Mavis Beacon. It starts out okay, but I notice that as I'm working on her, she reaches into her nearby purse and pulls out a little remote looking thing. At first I mistook it for some kind of 'toy' but then as I press on, I hear a sound. I look to her face and she gave me like this, "I disapprove" glance. I start back up and there's the sound again, and she sighs. I realize what it is. Her remote. It's playing the error tune from Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. Everytime I tried something new, she'd make the "d-d-diii!" noise, and it'd kinda startle me. Eventually, I got mad and told her to knock it off. But then she says "Time's up!"

We'd only been doing it for like four minutes, and I'm confused as all hell. She looks at me like she's really disappointed. I didn't even get close to finishing. She pours me another drink and soon I ended up passing out.

The next morning I woke up, still in the woods. My friends had found me and started to apologize, explaining how the prank was just supposed to last a few minutes, but then they lost me. I'm really hungover, and trying not to crap myself. But I notice an odd feeling. There's something in my boxers. I remove it to find that it's a piece of printed paper.

"You beat your previous average of 0. Great! Scores for this lesson were:
Speed: Poor
Accuracy: Poor"

Around that time I started puking my guts out.

 

[Salsa]

Some girl that gave me the worst blowjob ever. It felt like a dead person with a vaccume for a mouth, can't really describe it but it's probably like a real doll sucking your dick.

I had to stop her and we proceeded to have hot sweaty awful sex inside a tent right under the sun in the middle of the summer. Just awful all around.

 

[Trent Strong]

That time I got raped by a hippo.

 

[zerotol]

....

 

[Filth]

IT SMELT LIKE CAT FOOD

I'm on the Toliet taking a shit and just fucking bursted out laughing.

 

[PhoenixDark]

Are we talking about excess vaginal fluid? Or did you never really investigate the matter?

I'm guessing that's what it was; vagina cream or whatever it's called, I'm not an expert in female biology. I've dealt with it before with other girls but it didn't have a smell

 

[wwm0nkey]

Some girl that gave me the worst blowjob ever. It felt like a dead person with a vaccume for a mouth, can't really describe it but it's probably like a real doll sucking your dick.

I had to stop her and we proceeded to have hot sweaty awful sex inside a tent right under the sun in the middle of the summer. Just awful all around.

vaccume mouth really is just the worst.

 

[Jzero]

Some girl that gave me the worst blowjob ever. It felt like a dead person with a vaccume for a mouth, can't really describe it but it's probably like a real doll sucking your dick.

I had to stop her and we proceeded to have hot sweaty awful sex inside a tent right under the sun in the middle of the summer. Just awful all around.

What do you mean like a dead person? Was she cold?

 

[Zaptruder]

vaccume mouth really is just the worst.

"It's not a straw!"

 

[Neverfade]

yuck

I don't get it.

You can bet if I was traveling 40 miles or someone else was traveling 40 miles to get my schwerve on, my dong would be smelling like a semi-annual sale at Bath & Body Works.

 

[Salsa]

What do you mean like a dead person? Was she cold?

Like she was on a mission, without taking any feedback and not really doing anything more than sucking really hard and going up and down, it was painful.

More like a zombie I guess

 

[wwm0nkey]

Like she was on a mission, without taking any feedback and not really doing anything more than sucking really hard and going up and down, it was painful.

More like a zombie I guess

I just don't get how they do not understand to USE THEIR TOUNGE! I am not going to feel shit but the occasional teeth if they are just doing that.

I have (sadly) only ever had one amazing blow job but we decided to call it off due to distance issues

 

[Salsa]

The last blowjob I had consisted of the girl pretty much saying 'just grab my head' and I basically fucked her mouth and it was surprisingly great. I'm a pig

 

[Hypereides]

Slept with a girl once that hadnt shaved her legs. That was pretty itchy.

Girls/women still cant seem to give me a decent blowjob.

Cant think of much else.

 

[lobdale]

Mavis Beacon

 

[Riggs]

In high school I dated a sophomore girl for a few weeks and we had sex once in the auditorium stairwell while a Halo tourney was going on. Would have been at least by-the-books decent fucking except for the fact that she had the WORST smelling pussy I have ever smelt. Good lord, it was like she stuffed garbage up there if the trash can was out of reach. The next Monday I gave her the ol' "it's not you it's me" garbage and traded up for a girl my age whose snapper didn't remind me of a landfill.

Hahhaha I lost it, Ty.

 

[InaudibleWhispa]

Once at a festival I pulled a girl. We got incredibly drunk on absinthe and went back to her tent. I could barely barely stay awake and hold an erection so I stupidly offered to go down on her. It quickly, not before it was too late, dawned on me that she had been living in a tent for 3 days. It was like a half melted dead rat in a sauna. So we fell asleep and I awoke to her friends, who had opened the tent door to see her, throwing Jaffa Cakes at my bare arse.

 

[Jijidasu]

Met a girl at a club, went to a love hotel and got ready. Turns out she had a really nasty yeast infection and thought it was not worth mentioning. Now, I hate casein protein powder, but after seeing that yeast infection, I'll happily take it over eating, or even looking at cottage cheese.

That smell will never, ever, go away.

 

[wickedcapedkid]

The smell came all at once, and hit me harder and faster than a 12-gauge to the temple.

This thread...

 

[fisheyes]

Nowhere near as exciting as anyone else. I think I was about 19 or 20, picked up a girl in town, my friend went with her friend, the 4 of us went back to her house, we went up to her room, she told me we had to be quiet because her parents were in the next room, she hadn't had sex in about 6 months, we got down to business....

hotdog. hallway. you know how it goes.

she wanted to know if i wanted to go again. I said I have to go, and I went and collected my friend, and we walked for a half hour to find a cab and were home by about 6.

I remember all of the other girl's names - not hers. I'm not actually sure I ever knew it, to be honest. But if I did, I erased it from my memory.

 

[GavinGT]

I was blitzed out of my mind on nitrous oxide walking through the woods at like 3 AM. As to why exactly I was on nitrous oxide, let's just say if you got some friends in dental hygiene with fucked up senses of humor, avoid going to sleep around them. Anyway, like I said, it's around 3 AM, and I'm starting to come down. But I'm lost. Like, real lost. I'd come to find out later that my friends had driven me to the outskirts of the Teweska forest, a place that was once in consideration for being a national park, but didn't make the cut do to some zoning issue. It was about a two hour drive from my house, and I was deep within.

It's cold. Like, I mean, it's the south, and right around that transitional period between summer and fall. So, not freezing, but around 50-ish. Enough to be uncomfortable in my boxers/t-shirt combo. I'm walking around, rubbing my arms, trying to keep warm, when I hear a voice. Now, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing at this point, because on one hand, "Thank God, humanity." But on the other, "Who the hell would be walking around Teweska at 3 AM on a Wednesday?" I risked it and followed the voice to a clearing with a campfire and an RV. That's where, I shit you not, I found Mavis fucking Beacon.

I know what you're thinking. "That's bullshit, Mandrake. Mavis Beacon is a fictional character." And about a year ago, I would have agreed with you. I didn't even put it together at first. I mean, sure, the pantsuit did get me wondering, but she was the one who came out and said it. She took out ID. Her driver's license, her business card, and a free trial CD with her face on it. Now, I know about 90% of you stopped reading right here. You're thinking, "Even if Mavis Beacon was real, there's no way you stumbled upon her in the middle of an abandoned forest at 3 AM in the foothills of Alabama." But I'm telling you, this shit happened. And no, I wasn't still tripping. I can't prove it, but I know. My mind couldn't come up with this shit.

Mavis reaches into her lunchbox and starts dropping acid. Like a lot of it. I mean, I'm no expert on acid, but she ate like a Bounty paper towel-sized sheet of it. I'm trying to warm up by the campfire, and she takes off her coat. Starts getting all feely. I really just want to go home, and I explain that to her, but she's not really taking the hint. Somehow she convinced me to take my shirt off, and she started feeling all over me. I'm really not into it all, but she goes inside the camper and comes back with some Hawaiian Punch/Everclear mix in a milk jug, and after some of that, I couldn't really control myself anymore.

So, there I am, drunkenly getting it on with Mavis Beacon. It starts out okay, but I notice that as I'm working on her, she reaches into her nearby purse and pulls out a little remote looking thing. At first I mistook it for some kind of 'toy' but then as I press on, I hear a sound. I look to her face and she gave me like this, "I disapprove" glance. I start back up and there's the sound again, and she sighs. I realize what it is. Her remote. It's playing the error tune from Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. Everytime I tried something new, she'd make the "d-d-diii!" noise, and it'd kinda startle me. Eventually, I got mad and told her to knock it off. But then she says "Time's up!"

We'd only been doing it for like four minutes, and I'm confused as all hell. She looks at me like she's really disappointed. I didn't even get close to finishing. She pours me another drink and soon I ended up passing out.

The next morning I woke up, still in the woods. My friends had found me and started to apologize, explaining how the prank was just supposed to last a few minutes, but then they lost me. I'm really hungover, and trying not to crap myself. But I notice an odd feeling. There's something in my boxers. I remove it to find that it's a piece of printed paper.

"You beat your previous average of 0. Great! Scores for this lesson were:
Speed: Poor
Accuracy: Poor"

Around that time I started puking my guts out.

This reminds me of this one experience I had with Carmen Sandiego and a whole lot of opium.

 

[Riggs]

The last blowjob I had consisted of the girl pretty much saying 'just grab my head' and I basically fucked her mouth and it was surprisingly great. I'm a pig

Seriously same here its the best head. YOU control it.

 

[perfectchaos007]

Haha the Mavis Beacon one was great. I never had her as my typing teacher, but I lost it at "d-d-diii!"

 

[JB1981]

In high school I dated a sophomore girl for a few weeks and we had sex once in the auditorium stairwell while a Halo tourney was going on. Would have been at least by-the-books decent fucking except for the fact that she had the WORST smelling pussy I have ever smelt. Good lord, it was like she stuffed garbage up there if the trash can was out of reach. The next Monday I gave her the ol' "it's not you it's me" garbage and traded up for a girl my age whose snapper didn't remind me of a landfill.

Dated a girl with a rank smelling pussy for a few weeks. I gave her a few chances but after having sex about 7 or 8 times it continued to smell. I didn't even have to be "down there" to smell it. As soon as her panties were off, I could smell it! She made me scared of pussy for a while. Fortunately the girl I'm dating now never smells!

 

[ScreenSplitter]

Probably the second time after the first, with both people only JUST being not-virgins. Because at first, the lack of knowing what the fuck to do is cute, because you're losing it.

Theeeen it's kind of irritating, because you just want to get down to it and you have no idea what the fuck you're doing, and neither does she.

 

[The Anti-Monitor]

Absolute worst was the first. Pain, two inexperienced people, and a fuckton of awkwardness.

Most recent one though was a typical case of someone who believes just cuz you got a big dick you don't need to know how to do anything but look smug.

 

[SCULLIBUNDO]

I was blitzed out of my mind on nitrous oxide walking through the woods at like 3 AM. As to why exactly I was on nitrous oxide, let's just say if you got some friends in dental hygiene with fucked up senses of humor, avoid going to sleep around them. Anyway, like I said, it's around 3 AM, and I'm starting to come down. But I'm lost. Like, real lost. I'd come to find out later that my friends had driven me to the outskirts of the Teweska forest, a place that was once in consideration for being a national park, but didn't make the cut do to some zoning issue. It was about a two hour drive from my house, and I was deep within.

It's cold. Like, I mean, it's the south, and right around that transitional period between summer and fall. So, not freezing, but around 50-ish. Enough to be uncomfortable in my boxers/t-shirt combo. I'm walking around, rubbing my arms, trying to keep warm, when I hear a voice. Now, I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing at this point, because on one hand, "Thank God, humanity." But on the other, "Who the hell would be walking around Teweska at 3 AM on a Wednesday?" I risked it and followed the voice to a clearing with a campfire and an RV. That's where, I shit you not, I found Mavis fucking Beacon.

I know what you're thinking. "That's bullshit, Mandrake. Mavis Beacon is a fictional character." And about a year ago, I would have agreed with you. I didn't even put it together at first. I mean, sure, the pantsuit did get me wondering, but she was the one who came out and said it. She took out ID. Her driver's license, her business card, and a free trial CD with her face on it. Now, I know about 90% of you stopped reading right here. You're thinking, "Even if Mavis Beacon was real, there's no way you stumbled upon her in the middle of an abandoned forest at 3 AM in the foothills of Alabama." But I'm telling you, this shit happened. And no, I wasn't still tripping. I can't prove it, but I know. My mind couldn't come up with this shit.

Mavis reaches into her lunchbox and starts dropping acid. Like a lot of it. I mean, I'm no expert on acid, but she ate like a Bounty paper towel-sized sheet of it. I'm trying to warm up by the campfire, and she takes off her coat. Starts getting all feely. I really just want to go home, and I explain that to her, but she's not really taking the hint. Somehow she convinced me to take my shirt off, and she started feeling all over me. I'm really not into it all, but she goes inside the camper and comes back with some Hawaiian Punch/Everclear mix in a milk jug, and after some of that, I couldn't really control myself anymore.

So, there I am, drunkenly getting it on with Mavis Beacon. It starts out okay, but I notice that as I'm working on her, she reaches into her nearby purse and pulls out a little remote looking thing. At first I mistook it for some kind of 'toy' but then as I press on, I hear a sound. I look to her face and she gave me like this, "I disapprove" glance. I start back up and there's the sound again, and she sighs. I realize what it is. Her remote. It's playing the error tune from Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. Everytime I tried something new, she'd make the "d-d-diii!" noise, and it'd kinda startle me. Eventually, I got mad and told her to knock it off. But then she says "Time's up!"

We'd only been doing it for like four minutes, and I'm confused as all hell. She looks at me like she's really disappointed. I didn't even get close to finishing. She pours me another drink and soon I ended up passing out.

The next morning I woke up, still in the woods. My friends had found me and started to apologize, explaining how the prank was just supposed to last a few minutes, but then they lost me. I'm really hungover, and trying not to crap myself. But I notice an odd feeling. There's something in my boxers. I remove it to find that it's a piece of printed paper.

"You beat your previous average of 0. Great! Scores for this lesson were:
Speed: Poor
Accuracy: Poor"

Around that time I started puking my guts out.

We're bros Mandrake, but I gotta call a massive bullshit on this. You didn't know when to stop. Exaggeration is a dangerous slide my friend, one you rode all the way into crazy town.

 

[Riggs]

Dated a girl with a rank smelling pussy for a few weeks. I gave her a few chances but after having sex about 7 or 8 times it continued to smell. I didn't even have to be "down there" to smell it. As soon as her panties were off, I could smell it! She made me scared of pussy for a while. Fortunately the girl I'm dating now never smells!

AVATAR QUOTE! srry caps on mobile to lazy delete it lags up

 

[InvincibleAgent]

Dry. Got scratched up a bit.

Wow, my story is pretty tame.

 

[polyh3dron]

yeah the only time I really have a bad sex experience is when a girl's vag smells like pure death.. luckily i've only experienced that a couple times where it was that bad though.

 

[EVOL 100%]

AVATAR QUOTE! srry caps on mobile to lazy delete it lags up

The effort that you put into explaining yourself could have been put into writing your post in not all-caps lol.

Some terrifying stories in here.

 

[Guerrillas in the Mist]

Once at a festival I pulled a girl. We got incredibly drunk on absinthe and went back to her tent. I could barely barely stay awake and hold an erection so I stupidly offered to go down on her. It quickly, not before it was too late, dawned on me that she had been living in a tent for 3 days. It was like a half melted dead rat in a sauna. So we fell asleep and I awoke to her friends, who had opened the tent door to see her, throwing Jaffa Cakes at my bare arse.

Strangest method I've ever heard of getting someone out of a tent.

 

[Al-ibn Kermit]

I met this one girl and we ended up in my room suddenly a couple days later, I'm going down on her and she says that this was apparently the first time she had sex of any kind. But I'm being a gentleman and trying to do well so she can learn to enjoy herself but then she starts telling me to bite it. The clit. Her clit. With my teeth...

I literally looked up with this horrified look on my face and asked "You want me to bite your clit with my teeth?" and she saying yes, do it. I figured that she had some weird fantasies of what kind of sex might theoretically be good so she just wants to see how it feels. So I bite it as gently as possible. I didn't want to scar this poor girl the very first time she got oral. I then say okay, that's enough and I finish her up with my tongue and fingers like any sane person and that was it.

That relationship ended immediately after but a couple weeks later we're talking and I asked if she remembered that time she asked me to bite her and then she gets really angry with me that I didn't do it, but I point out that I did but just very softly and was actually surprised she couldn't remember it. I so pity the next guy she convinced to do that.

Thankfully, I've never gotten a BAD blowjob though. But I'm not shy about giving advice especially if somebody's teeth starts rubbing against me.

 

[Riggs]

The effort that you put into explaining yourself could have been put into writing your post in not all-caps lol.

Some terrifying stories in here.

Hah I thought the same. But if I delete for some reason (since my phone updated) in this default browser everything goes to shit.

Trying to think of worst sex story but I think it was worse for my partners then it was for me. Been with a few fat chicks lately and that was not very fun though =/

Actually I remember my neighbor coming down with a herpes pill saying "Sorry I didn't tell you I have herpes" ... yeah that was pretty bad.

Some how I don't have it though after testing (well I never got tested, but I did a blood drive and nothing came back!)

 

[Seance]

.

Good lord, that was a real nail biter. 8/10

 

[Moppet13]

I mentioned this in another thread.

The first time my girlfriend at the time and I had sex she freaked out and jumped out the Window and ran into a canyon. Needless to say it couldn't have gone much worse.

 

[Tesseract]

With a pawg I met at Buffalo Wild Wings; we had a few drinks and went to her dorm on campus. It started well enough, but after a few minutes I noticed that it felt like my legs were super wet. I figured she was just super into it, but the more things continued the wetter it got. I got a whiff of some odd smell at which point I knew something was wrong. I decided to switch positions and see what was happening. As I repositioned I turned her lamp on and realized my dick and thigh were covered in what seemed to be mayo. Once I saw it I smelt it; it was like being outside a room in which some raw fish had been on the table for awhile - not a direct smell, but something that would just hit your nostrils every few seconds.

She was a bit drunk, and when she saw my legs/dick she said "should I get some bread?" as if it was funny. Eventually she came to her senses and realized she was disgusting, and I could tell she wanted to apologize. I went to the bathroom, wiped that shit off with a hand towel, put the condom in my pocket (I didn't trust her), and left.

this is the kind of sexual experience that would turn me into a lifelong celibate. fucking gross.

 

[Seance]

edit:double post

 

[aku:jiki]

Had a girlfriend who was the worst at everything sex-related, but thought she was a goddess at all of it. Stank, sloppy possy that would always reek of piss and she was obsessed with giving horrible blowjobs. Like I couldn't even go to the fridge to refill my glass of soda without her kneeling and unbuttoning my pants.

I was blitzed out of my mind on nitrous oxide walking through the woods at like 3 AM. As to why exactly I was on nitrous oxide, let's just say if you got some friends in dental hygiene with fucked up senses of humor, avoid going to sleep around them.

Nice try, bro, but a nitrous high lasts like 30 seconds. Gotta put some effort into your joke posts.

 

[JB1981]

AVATAR QUOTE! srry caps on mobile to lazy delete it lags up

Huh

 

[Riggs]

Huh

"Rich, smooth, creamy shit."

The smell of her vagine

Sorry didn't see the "I am full of shit" at the top, fucking mobile man.

 

[Man]

I literally looked up with this horrified look on my face and asked "You want me to bite your clit with my teeth?" and she saying yes, do it.

Sorry but isn't this somehow normal? I girl I was in a shorter flirt with once wanted me to bite her clit and I did so gently from time to time and she gasped/enjoyed those moments plenty.

 

[bunbun777]

So I happened to live close by to an ex gf, and she asked if I would stop by to sell her some *censored*. Now technically she had broke up with me but I held no grudge and said "ok". I was also pretty drunk before going over there. When I got there we smoked on her bed and I was a bit horny, so was she. So we agreed to get it on, but there was no emotion besides boredom and slight arousal. Also I had ate a couple of pounds of spaghetti. Started off in the mission style, go through the motions and after 5-10 minutes I realize this is not that great so I say "turn around". Must have had some latent agression because I started really beating up that punanni to the point I thought "hmmm does this hurt?" She seemed to be liking it so I kept going, actually almost hurting my own dick due to the violent in and out ramming but was so numb could not really tell. Out of nowhere my stomach flips and I feel like I am going to throw up. So I disengage and with a foresight not fully understood, I go to the bathtub instead of the toilet and vomit what seems like 5 gallons of tomato sauce. Shit was unreal in that it seemed to expand in volume and fill up half the bottom of the tub. She says "Are you ok?", I say, "Sorry" then pass out in her bed in about 30 seconds, wake up a few hours later and sneak out back to my place. I would end up going back a few more times but never got it on again.

 

[Al-ibn Kermit]

Sorry but isn't this somehow normal? I girl I was in a shorter flirt with once wanted me to bite her clit and I did so gently from time to time and she gasped/enjoyed those moments plenty.

It's abnormal in my experience. Think about it, would you want to get your dick bitten?

 

[Arksy]

Mavis Beacon

Holy shit. This post had me in stiches for about 15 minutes.

 

[Arsenic Yellow]

I once dated a guy with klippel trenaunay webber syndrome, due to the syndrome he had to have his right leg and a testicle amputated as a baby. Also because of it, his remaining testicle was enlarged, about the size of a melon, covering his penis to the point that only an inch was exposed when erect. On top of that, due to the disease and he fact that he was extreme unhygienic, he smelled of blood all the time. That wasn't even what made the sex bad, he wasn't willing to give as much as he wanted to receive. Pretty much like fucking a sac of potatoes and even then, you can at least eat the potatoes afterwards.

And that's how I lost my virginity and 5 years of my life. The decisions you make relationship wise when you're still in high school...
Normally I'd sound like a total jerk for mentioning all of that, but he had the worst personality, the biggest jerk I've ever met, not to mention spineless. Let's just say that after we broke up (still very much friends) I was in a life or death situation, he was the only person I could get in contact with and he hung up because he didn't want to wake up his roommate by coming to get me.

 

[siddx]

A few

When I was in college I had a thing for one of my female friends and being young and dumb I allowed it to go into that weird place between friendzone and casual hookup zone. It never really went anywhere but one night it looked like we were about to finally get down to it. But then her sister showed up and started drinking with us. By the end of the night, my drunk ass and her sister's drunk ass ended up in bed naked, completely hammered. She was a dead fish and didn't want any foreplay or anything but missionary. Between the drinking, the awkwardness of sleeping with my friend's older sister, and the fact she was like a corpse in bed, I completely lost my hard on half way through. We never spoke of it again.

A few years back I met some girl at a tattoo parlor and she went super aggro on me within minutes, practically mounting me right there in the store. She wasn't very attractive, rail thin, flat chested, no ass, looked about 20 years older than she really was... but it had been a few months since I had had sex and I figured I might as well get her number just in case. A few days later I found myself particularly riled up and gave her a call. Went over to her place and awkwardly sat around making painful small talk while I tried to talk my dick out of what it wanted to do. Finally my penis won and we ended up in bed together. Another one of these no foreplay type girls and about 2 minutes into sex, I looked down at her, realized I was repulsed by the way she looked and felt my hard on slipping away. I thrashed around like I was having a seizure for about 20 seconds until I came, got up, walked out the door, and never talked to her again.

Last one happened with a co-worker who was a "good" girl who only slept with men she was dating. In a moment of ethical weakness I decided to try and get her to sleep with me despite the fact I wasn't really attracted to her. She wasn't ugly by any means, but not my type personality or lookwise at all. After the 2nd night of hanging out I had succeeded and we began doing the deed. I realized mid thrust that age had added an annoying conscious to my inner thoughts. It began berating me for getting a girl I had zero interest in to sleep with me purely because I wanted a challenge. I lost any will to continue and just pretended I came, rolled over, got my clothes and left. I tried to be friendly with her after that but every time she asked me to come over I avoided it until I'm sure she realized I had just wanted to sleep with her once and had no interest in her anymore. 5 years ago, or even 3, that wouldn't have bugged me at all. I wouldn't have given two shits how she felt. But now a days it really bugs me that I probably hurt her feelings quite a bit even though this happened quite a long time ago.

 

[PumpkinPie]

*Spot saved for the first time I have sex*

 

[maquiladora]

I was going down on a girl, in the dark, lappin up dat sweet juice! All is well until my eager, flicking tongue latches onto something that wouldn't have been there if she had cleaned herself a bit better after using the toilet earlier that day.

It took all of my strength not to puke instantly as soon as I tasted that. Bailed out of the bed, burst down to her bathroom and started throwing her mouthwash into my mouth and all over my face like a madman. Ugh.

 

[Plywood]

I thought he was a nice man, he had set me upon a gorgeous white horse with a beautiful mane like that of silver smoke. Little did I know he was so barbaric, so manly. He had waited until sundown to take me and I did not know what to anticipate. At first he was gentle, but I was scared. He slowly pulled off the straps of my dress and tears dripped down my eyes. I was frightened and he was just so, so strong.

The second time was almost as harrowing as the first. His weight was unlike anything I had ever withstood in my life. Yet, pained turned to pleasure before I knew it. As he pressed with his force my mind had become euphoric and had wandered to greater things. I am the blood of dragons of House Targaryen, of the blood of old Valyria. These thoughts echoed with each thrust. I swelled with pride for the greatness of days to come.

The final time was different. I had learned from my servant how to take a man, to give man what they've never had. No longer the ways that a hound would take a bitch. In our tent he was mine, for me to have my way with, I did not pleasure him so much as he pleasured me. After all, if he desired the ways of Dothrak why would he have taken me? At nightfall he once again attempted to take me forcefully. I told him in the language of his people that I would gaze upon his masculinity. On that night I rode the stallion as if it was the ride to King's Landing and when I finished, I had laid upon him as if he were the Iron Throne.

Spoiler

i got bored