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[Fnord]

Once again she bought it. I am an amazing actor.

You are... or she is?

 

[iamaustrian]

Def the one girl which basicly forced me to do ass 2 mouth with her.
It was also rather surprising that she took my wiener straight to her pooper.

 

[GRW810]

Damn near broke my shit in half.

Scat story?

 

[Edwards_Omatic]

Soaking wet tent.

 

[-PXG-]

Holy shit. I demand stories 2 and 3 now

 

[Joel Was Right]

The smell can last on you for a good few days even with frequent showers.

 

[Twilight Gap]

Holy shit. I demand stories 2 and 3 now

This lol. Resisting urge to avatar quote vinegar stroke yoshi

 

[FOOTE]

In the back of a van. The rug burns... never again

 

[Raiden]

Jesus man .. my story sounds weak now.

But anyway.

This summer i met a girl hooked up with her and got her to come over to my appartment.

So we start getting a go at it, foreplay, clothes come off, rubber comes on etc. But for some reason she doesnt want to remove her bra, which i find odd, but i was also fairly buzzed so whatever.

The actual sex is going on and me being a boobdude i try to get a hold and a sight of dem boobs. She keeps pulling my hand away to the point where i just say "yo, whats the problem?" to which she responds "its kinda difficult to explain but i have this dry skin issue i'll explain later"

I'm a good bit less excited because i happened to get a finger slipped to her nipple and what i felt was .. i dont know how to explain it ... like her entire nipple area felt like rubbing a scab. Which almost killed my boner but i decided to man up and finish with my eyes closed.

Later on i managed to get a small view of her nipple and it looked pretty disgusting from a distance. It literally made me throw up a bit in my mouth.(and yes literally is the correct term, thank god she never noticed that) I never called her again because i have a bad gag-reflex. Made up some bullshit excuse of how i'm still not over an ex because i didnt want to destroy this girl her selfesteem by saying her tits made me throw up in my mouth.

 

[akilshohen]

I found Mavis fucking Beacon.

Mavis is about that life, you wasn't ready.

 

[Omni]

I was extremely drunk and went home with a mother. For some reason she had decided that we go to bed on the loungeroom floor. Anyway, it's pitch black and I couldn't see or feel anything (because alcohol). So I'm there pounding away, not really feeling a damn thing, when it pops into my mind... "are you sure that you're in?"

So while she's making extremely exaggerated noises (think a Sasha Grey porn vid) and scratching the shit out of me, I'm wondering if I've even penetrated yet. And then after like 3 minutes (wut) she starts telling me to finish in her and flips around and I get a big whiff of what can only be described as diarrhoea. and then her damn kid comes out of her room and sees us.

I still haven't recovered.

 

[DJ88]

I was extremely drunk and went home with a mother. For some reason she had decided that we go to bed on the loungeroom floor. Anyway, it's pitch black and I couldn't see or feel anything (because alcohol). So I'm there pounding away, not really feeling a damn thing, when it pops into my mind... "are you sure that you're in?"

So while she's making extremely exaggerated noises (think a Sasha Grey porn vid) and scratching the shit out of me, I'm wondering if I've even penetrated yet. And then after like 3 minutes (wut) she starts telling me to finish in her and flips around and I get a big whiff of what can only be described as diarrhoea. and then her damn kid comes out of her room and sees us.

I still haven't recovered.

Hahahahaha

 

[jackal27]

Geeze after some of these stories, I'm so glad I've only ever slept with my wife, hahaha! Don't think I've ever had bad sex.

 

[rooflapimp]

Geeze after some of these stories, I'm so glad I've only ever slept with my wife, hahaha! Don't think I've ever had bad sex.

but you wouldnt even know

maybe your wife sucks ass man

think about it!!!!

 

[airblade]

Allow me to regale you with one of 3 tales I will never tell anyone without wearing my internet shroud of anonymity.
I want to write these stories out because I have never shared them but feel a need to share, which is also
why I'm going to try to write this post well because I'll probably never tell these stories again.
(I'm going to split it up into three posts because writing is hard work.)
(Also apologies for any mistakes -- english is not my native language and firefox is being a dick about spellcheck)

Before you go in -- as some sort of directors aside -- I don't rank these stories in a particular order because I feel
like the 3 of them are a comedic trilogy in which every part is of equal value to the next. As a result I'm structuring
these posts in a chronological fashion -- the first story being the oldest and the last the newest. I still like/love
the 3 girls in my stories -- one of them is my fiancee -- so please don't insult them.


Story 1 - The smell was a warning.

Allow me to set the scene -- It's the day after my 18th birthday. I'm sleeping over at my girlfriends house because her
parental guidance unit wants to cook me their odd choice of near ceremonial birthday food. It's scampi baked in a sauce
of cream, butter and a harissa chili style sauce, which despite my initial apprehension tasted delicious. We have dinner
nothing eventful happens and eventually we decide to retreat upstairs so my girlfriend can give me part deux of her special
birthday ceremony.

We get into her room and instruct the boombox to play some music -- not a sex playlist just music so the other people in
the house will think the banging noises and random yelps are not two people sexing hopefully. I say this because her semi
-religious, we believe but never visit a church, parents are still convinced this girl was a virgin. Allow me to assure you that
this in fact was not the case, because -- to put it in internet terms -- I was in her bed killing her virginities.

Now this girl was into foreplay, well not foreplay but certainly heavy kissing and I was happy enough to oblige.
Usually her breath was fine but my nose kindly informed me that today was in fact different -- It smelled sour, penetrating
and was distracting. Now because it was my "birthday party" I reasoned I could short out on foreplay and skip straight to
mouthloving. I like getting my penis licked, kissed and eventually sucked, and since I knew the royal it -- meaning my penis
didn't mind bad breath, I asked her to move south of the border.


She obliges and the whole slow buildup to full blown oral happens and my rocket of love is powering up for liftoff.
Full blown oral is on and it is good -- I like edging and she knows it so I'm walking that tightrope of non orgasm and
I'm starting to lose my balance. Usually I push deeper, she gags this is normal, I like it, It's what I do when I'm about
to launch the bad apples that will never be. That day was not normal however it was my "birthday party" so instead of
gagging and pulling away she stays commited. She gags again - I orgasm - I feel the juicy fruit of my loin & her labour -
I'm impressed by the volume so I look down and...

What I saw at that point is etched into my memory. There was a woman, she looked sort of like my girlfriend.- only she wasn't gorgeous and angelic -
This woman was some sort of fleshy fountain spewing forth a creamy yet chunky mixture of potential babies, a cream&chili sauce and chunks of seafood.
It was sort of statuesque because she was so caught by suprise.

She was frozen in place a short distance above my members club membership member rapidly losing his membership. -- Read flaccid penis --
That's when the smell hit me, I'm usually decent enough at preventing myself from throwing up while seeing/smelling other people puking.
Unfortunatly this fortitude does not apply when that smell is crustacean remnants bathed in a creamy broth - so I started puking.
Which caused her to puke again - which caused me to puke again. Limbs locked violently spasming out wave after wave of the ungodly mixture
described previously until we eventually manage to unhook - This affected the directionality of the output in a positive way, away from myself atleast-,
I wasn't stopping at this point though I physically couldn't. Coated most of the room before I managed to reign in the orange rain of chunks.
Both of us are covered head to toe in vomit so we figure we should shower and figure out the rest later...

At this point another dilemma arose, while my clothes miraculously survived the encounter relatively intact I wasn't putting them on
for the trip to the bathroom. Anything that makes contact with that devil juice is doomed and I only had one set with me, the clothes
I came in with. Never mind I think, the bathroom is just down the hall everyone is still downstairs -- a quick look down the hall verifies this,
I tell my girlfriend and we decide to make a run for it. She skips on the concept of ruining her clothes with the doom juice and just holds them, I do too.


A mad buttnaked with vomit bodypaint dash for the bathroom down the second floor hallway ensues, everything is clear, operation oh
god fucking vomit removal is a go. We reach the bathroom bust in -- Read open -- the door like ninjas and sprint inside, we turn the corner
get past the sink and see her mother sitting there, taking a shit, reading the latest gossip rag. I look into her eyes, she looks into mine.
Something primal happens I turn around and start booking it like an antelope escaping from an angry lion -- past the sink, around the corner,
through the door into the hallway, towards her room past the stairs -- oh no her dad is coming up the stairs. Engage evasive maneuvering.
I couldn't turn back her mom was bound to be trailing, the only option was to engage a speedboost that would put the flash to shame
and run past her father in a streak of orange vomit covered lightning. I accelerated, he was nearing the final step. I was trying to run
so fast that in retrospect I'm fairly sure I coated the entire second floor in vomit droplets. Anyway-- I was making it or so I thought for a while.
Unfortunately in my haste to accelerate I had lost a proper center of balance and had adopted a running style with far too much forward lean. I got
2 solid strides past the stairs when my bare wet from vomit feet had reached an angle of inclination that was non-compatible with running. One slipped
the other followed a pace apart - the towering structure that is my body had been defeated as I fell down and slid vomit covered chest to hardwood floor
towards the end of the hallway. Even reduced as it was friction did eventually bring me to a halt. Time seemed slow while I was down there cheeks flapping
in the wind, doom approaching from behind.

I could hear the approaching footsteps, one person, two, three, a delayed fourth - I didn't want to get up what would follow had to be bad.
When I finally mustered the courage and got up the entire family had gathered around. Dad looking more confused than any person I have ever seen.
Mom still holding the gossip rag on the page she was reading. Girlfriend terrified of the consequences. Brother WTFing like crazy considering he just
ambled up the stairs to check out the commotion. I tried to hit the button for wordsin my brain but I had none, I made up some inane excuse about
vomiting because of a persistent aggresive childhood reflux and spicy food while not saying a word about the lack of clothing.

We both managed to get a shower in at that point because, well because we were naked and covered in the contents of our stomachs.
What followed was the most awkward conversation I've ever had to sit through in which non virginity status was uncovered -- mom cried --
Dad took it better, we figure he knew and didn't mind as much in retrospect. Sheets and room got cleaned and I pretty much left for home.
As I walked past the kitchen the smell coming from the dishes in the sink triggers PTSD style flashbacks and I vowed to always heed the
warnings given by the gods.

If you're looking for a TL;DR there is none.

God...

How were the conversation with her parents after that?

 

[jakncoke]

Girl had yellow tinted glasses(why?) and kinda chubby. We started making out and I started fingering her.. knew things were going south when i started smelling things. I was already to far into this to send her packing and I just had broken with with my ex whom I dated for a year and we had sex pretty much every day besides her heavy days and 2-3 times a day at that and this girl popped in my life about 3 weeks after and I was going through withdrawals lol. So I was committed to getting this over as soon as possible. So I put it in, without notice she started screaming, loud as a horror movie seeing the main monster. Im like wtf in my head, so as im pumping then her face starts making weird ass facial expressions. I did my best to think about anything sexy in my head to bust, still think i lasted 5 minutes . Needless to say she went for a cig and we ended up fucking again right after. Cause ya know busting once is nice but twice is better! I lasted about the same that time too. So i take her home, come back. Have to piss, so im pissing. Whatever reason I smell my finger. Mid pissing I instantly throw up, her smell has toxified my finger. My god i showered so long and used so much soap and shampoo to wash that off

That concludes my worst sex ever

 

[jackal27]

but you wouldnt even know

maybe your wife sucks ass man

think about it!!!!

I dunno man! It's pretty awesome to me! Hahaha.

 

[sssstententen]

I am getting hot and heavy with my ex on the couch of my parents house, its during the day and people are around so we're texting each-other about how much we want to get it on.

She starts rubbing my crotch with her foot and I'm hard as a rock and she's grinning like an idiot so I text her "Stop that before I take you down the basement and fuck you before my parents gets home" or some shit.

Turns out I texted my sister.

I never lost a hard on faster than that in my life.

 

[jakncoke]

Geeze after some of these stories, I'm so glad I've only ever slept with my wife, hahaha! Don't think I've ever had bad sex.

Just wait till your having anal and some poo slips out or she farts as you're eating her out!

Note: The following scenarios never happened to me but did to people I know which made nearly die of laughter

 

[jackal27]

Just wait till your having anal and some poo slips out or she farts as you're eating her out!

Note: The following scenarios never happened to me but did to people I know which made nearly die of laughter

These types of stories are exactly the reason why neither of us ever want to have anal, haha. Lots of health complications. Not worth it. We also just think it's gross.

 

[jakncoke]

These types of stories are exactly the reason why neither of us ever want to have anal, haha. Lots of health complications. Not worth it. We also just think it's gross.

Anal is pretty awesome. Although my ex only let me twice, it all stopped after she bled the 2nd time. I probably fucked over any other guy that ever dates or fucks. She was went from ok to anal to strictly against it.

 

[jackal27]

Anal is pretty awesome. Although my ex only let me twice, it all stopped after she bled the 2nd time. I probably fucked over any other guy that ever dates or fucks. She was went from ok to anal to strictly against it.

Yeah, no thanks. If something has the potential to injure my wife like that, I don't want it.

 

[FloatingDivider]

Holy shit. I demand stories 2 and 3 now

This lol. Resisting urge to avatar quote vinegar stroke yoshi

I'd write them now but I don't have the time currently also I should spread out the walls of text.

God...

How were the conversation with her parents after that?

Like I said awkward, I sort of stuck with my reflux excuse but I had no sensible explanation for the naked besides we took our clothes off after puking -- which obviously wasn't true because my clothes were unscathed. We sort of came clean at that point about what we did in her room usually -- her mother took it really harshly. She did get over it eventually and I was welcome in their home again -- jokes were made nicknames received -- I'd post the nickname but it translates into english badly so it's not as funny.

 

[Batman]

The stories in here are horrifying.

 

[Anustart]

My worst time was my first time!

I was a sophomore at the time and went to a Halloween party. I thought to myself "Cot damn I bet I can finally get laid tonight"

I end up getting close to a black girl who was wearing a leopard print bra and leopard print panties with a tail on em. At this point I was pretty fucking drunk. So me and her were at this house in the room that was the dance floor and she was freakin her ass on my crotch, which was really getting me going. It got to be pretty late so MOST of the people at the party had started to leave so me and this chick lay down in the dance room, with people still coming and going though not that many.

I was being a little shy, and my buddy came in the room and said here, lemme help you as he untied her top and left the room.

So eventually we both got ass naked and I have her in missionary position and I'm just pounding on this girl for probably 30 minutes because I was too damn drunk to properly feel anything anyway. The problem that arose came to light the next day.

I had been just jack hammering this girls pussy for 30 minutes which happened to be almost completely fucking dry. Woke up the next day and had two fucking rug burns up and down each side of my cock, hurt like a son of a bitch for like 2 weeks, could barely hold it to piss it hurt so bad.

 

[Exhumed]

This thread..... brings back some terrible memories.

It was a normal day like any other day. I had just come home from work and my at the time girlfriend wanted to get it on. Things get pretty heavy and I decide its time to go down on her. As I head closer her I notice snatch stank like nothing I've smelled before. I immediately got offended and started to leave. She became immeasurably infuriated. I basically told her "Does my package ever smell for you? Didn't think so. Handle that shit if you ever want me going back down there". I then left the apartment.

She left my place and I didn't talk to her for almost a week. I guess she got over it and I never had an issue with it ever again. Nothing worse than a smelly snatch....

Another time I had just met up with a chick who I played WoW with. I started to go down on her and in the dim light I noticed toilet paper dingle berries and a terrible smell. It was revolting and I nearly gagged. I immediately backed out and suggested we take a shower together. Apparently, she found it extremely romantic. Sex was mediocre afterwards but she became SUPER clingy afterwards and I bailed out.

I always make personal hygiene an issue before I even think about sex. Nothing kills my boner faster.

 

[Xcellere]

Some of things I've read here are beyond words. Puss from a boil? Dingleberries? Jesus Christ folks.

 

[royalan]

Bad Hygiene: The Thread

 

[Buddha Beam]

My college girlfriend farted on my dick once. We weren't even doing anal. Just pulled out and slapped it on her butt and then *PBBBFFFFFTTH!*
My dick went from hero to zero in about 3 seconds. Never knew I could lose a boner that fast.

She was a pretty bad lay in general, really. Wonderful person, but had no desire for sex or any sexual energy. Nothing could get her off, not even vibrators. We'd be having sex and she would just look bored. I had to ask her to fake moan so I could get enjoy it at least a little. She was the first person I was ever with too, so for a year or two after we broke up and I started dating again I kinda thought that sex wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

 

[Funky Papa]

FWIW, pussy stank is not necessarily related to bad hygiene.

On a similar account, I could use this thread to educate freak circumcised GAF on the horrors of female smegma, but I just had dinner.

 

[Mau ®]

I once had sex my ex-boss. He started crying midway through because I just wasnt into it. It was the most awkward shit ever. When I left his house he was like "I'll be ok without you though. I'm a grown man!! I'm 30yo!!".

 

[Hot Coldman]

*enters thread for the first time*

My college girlfriend farted on my dick once.

*leaves satisfied*

 

[Kater]

I licked a girl and she pissed directly in my face/mouth. Not cool. :|

 

[Weilthain]

the time when i had to go to hospital was the worst for me

 

[Scooby]

the time when i had to go to hospital was the worst for me

Please explain

 

[Weilthain]

Please explain

not enough lube.

My uncircumcised little feller couldn't handle it

blood everywhere

why am I telling this?

 

[BigEvilTurtle]

Tried anal with my current girlfriend. Lots of lube. Dick slipped in slowly and she gave up at its half-length. She fell forward from doggy style, said "ow." That sex lasted about 4 seconds.

Sorry this story wasn't exciting, but my sex life hasn't had anything really bad at all! Except this one time during phone sex which I won't get into.

 

[BakedPigeon]

She dried up and it was like throwing my dick into a chinese sandpaper finger trap. I bailed.

 

[SteveWinwood]

not enough lube.

My uncircumcised little feller couldn't handle it

blood everywhere

why am I telling this?

i fucking hate you

gah it just hurts everywhere

i wish i could delete this from my mind

 

[game2brain]

4 Little stories

1. my first time
this chubby girl, really not beautiful .. but I was attracted because it was my first one.. so I visited her, she warned me, she has something down there.. well I did not care and started with my hands discovering... and HOLY SHIT! there was a mole the size of a bottle cap with little black hairs.. disgusting I tell you... but I was in the mood and banged her like ultra crazy, she went nuts saying it was the best time ever, i did not cum, had to think all the time about that hairy mole... shudders me right now


2. hot chicks cant fuck #1
met this swedish girl, she was so stunningly beautiful, I met here in a club and everybody was s freakn jeaulous, well once we started, I entered her, she was like a brick, not enjoying it at all... her face was like "what are you doing" ... I asked here, whats up (total destroyed the mood) and she said "it hurts" ... I said "it has to hurt a little, ist the pain of joy..." or so ... she started a conversation and bla bla bla...

well i got sick of this situation, really disappointed me because she was such a stunner and never met her again

3. chucky!
normally I like woman who are smaller than me.. In my primes, I met this very small woman, really smart, dark haired and very well dressed, I digged that that time
also thought this woman is the right one for me..
well once the fucking started
she was really really really small.. like 1 meter difference in size (klitschko & panettiere comes to my mind)
so she was on top of me, and then the craziness started.. like the chucky doll on drugs... crazy little piece jumped on my body like a rollercoaster.. it was insane and a huuuge turn off... I was honest with here and told, that the sex was bad and she told me it would get better, we tried a week later and it got even worse...

4. hot chicks cant fuck #2
my latest worst sex experience
this blonde woman, by far the hottest woman I´v ever met, like a model, but curvy, damn she was hot when I think about it and had probably the best boobs I´ve ever seen/touched. to make it short, we drove to her home, told me to wait a few minutes and BAM she switched into some ultra hot lingerie... like the hottest porn you can imagine..
well the fun started and it was okay, I had a condom on, and then she wanted to suck it... with the condom still on... which was weird for me.. well I could life with that, but it felt meh... then the insane happend, I fucked here so hard, she started to bleed down there, like something was broken.. well we tried a few time again, but blood was everywhere, turned me off...then she said this to me "please put a mask on, a pig mask prefered and rape me"

WHAT IN GODS NAME! I want naughty sex and not a freak rape Play, she said, it turns her on...

I´ve never met her again

 

[RiccochetJ]

My worst was a girl who liked to bite and scratch to the point of drawing blood. She was goth, but damn.

 

[Ghost_Protocol]

I didn't want to ask about this, but it's the internet, and this thread is one of the worst things I've ever encountered, so what the hell.......

I've never had anal sex, and I'm wondering what the appeal is over vag. I just don't understand why it's worth the effort when you consider the extraordinary amount of things that can go wrong, the prep time required, the discomfort, the convincing you have to do to get some girls to go with it, etc. Does it feel that much better than regular intercourse? What is the goddamn benefit? TELL ME.

 

[BigEvilTurtle]

2. hot chicks cant fuck #1
met this swedish girl, she was so stunningly beautiful, I met here in a club and everybody was s freakn jeaulous, well once we started, I entered her, she was like a brick, not enjoying it at all... her face was like "what are you doing" ... I asked here, whats up (total destroyed the mood) and she said "it hurts" ... I said "it has to hurt a little, ist the pain of joy..." or so ... she started a conversation and bla bla bla...

well i got sick of this situation, really disappointed me because she was such a stunner and never met her again

So... she was bad at sex because you were hurting her (e.g. she's not wet enough or you're going too fast/hard)? And you tried to tell her that it's supposed to hurt? LOL.

 

[BakedPigeon]

My worst was a girl who liked to bite and scratch to the point of drawing blood. She was goth, but damn.

I've had this happen as well. During the first makeout session with once chick she started biting my lip, hard. She drew blood it was so hard. She also bit different parts of my body like it was suppose to be enjoyable. I let that one go after that night.

 

[BakedPigeon]

I didn't want to ask about this, but it's the internet, and this thread is one of the worst things I've ever encountered, so what the hell.......

I've never had anal sex, and I'm wondering what the appeal is over vag. I just don't understand why it's worth the effort when you consider the extraordinary amount of things that can go wrong, the prep time required, the discomfort, the convincing you have to do to get some girls to go with it, etc. Does it feel that much better than regular intercourse? What is the goddamn benefit? TELL ME.

I think it comes down to whether it makes you excited and horny, or not. Sometimes people like to try different things to make themselves aroused. Anal happens to be one of them.

 

[mr2xxx]

Drunk Sex the Thread:

50% chance can't get it up, 50% chance can't finish.

 

[shira]

Allow me to regale you with one of 3 tales I will never tell anyone without wearing my internet shroud of anonymity.
I want to write these stories out because I have never shared them but feel a need to share, which is also
why I'm going to try to write this post well because I'll probably never tell these stories again.
(I'm going to split it up into three posts because writing is hard work.)
(Also apologies for any mistakes -- english is not my native language and firefox is being a dick about spellcheck)

Before you go in -- as some sort of directors aside -- I don't rank these stories in a particular order because I feel
like the 3 of them are a comedic trilogy in which every part is of equal value to the next. As a result I'm structuring
these posts in a chronological fashion -- the first story being the oldest and the last the newest. I still like/love
the 3 girls in my stories -- one of them is my fiancee -- so please don't insult them.


Story 1 - The smell was a warning.

Allow me to set the scene -- It's the day after my 18th birthday. I'm sleeping over at my girlfriends house because her
parental guidance unit wants to cook me their odd choice of near ceremonial birthday food. It's scampi baked in a sauce
of cream, butter and a harissa chili style sauce, which despite my initial apprehension tasted delicious. We have dinner
nothing eventful happens and eventually we decide to retreat upstairs so my girlfriend can give me part deux of her special
birthday ceremony.

We get into her room and instruct the boombox to play some music -- not a sex playlist just music so the other people in
the house will think the banging noises and random yelps are not two people sexing hopefully. I say this because her semi
-religious, we believe but never visit a church, parents are still convinced this girl was a virgin. Allow me to assure you that
this in fact was not the case, because -- to put it in internet terms -- I was in her bed killing her virginities.

Now this girl was into foreplay, well not foreplay but certainly heavy kissing and I was happy enough to oblige.
Usually her breath was fine but my nose kindly informed me that today was in fact different -- It smelled sour, penetrating
and was distracting. Now because it was my "birthday party" I reasoned I could short out on foreplay and skip straight to
mouthloving. I like getting my penis licked, kissed and eventually sucked, and since I knew the royal it -- meaning my penis
didn't mind bad breath, I asked her to move south of the border.


She obliges and the whole slow buildup to full blown oral happens and my rocket of love is powering up for liftoff.
Full blown oral is on and it is good -- I like edging and she knows it so I'm walking that tightrope of non orgasm and
I'm starting to lose my balance. Usually I push deeper, she gags this is normal, I like it, It's what I do when I'm about
to launch the bad apples that will never be. That day was not normal however it was my "birthday party" so instead of
gagging and pulling away she stays commited. She gags again - I orgasm - I feel the juicy fruit of my loin & her labour -
I'm impressed by the volume so I look down and...

What I saw at that point is etched into my memory. There was a woman, she looked sort of like my girlfriend.- only she wasn't gorgeous and angelic -
This woman was some sort of fleshy fountain spewing forth a creamy yet chunky mixture of potential babies, a cream&chili sauce and chunks of seafood.
It was sort of statuesque because she was so caught by suprise.

She was frozen in place a short distance above my members club membership member rapidly losing his membership. -- Read flaccid penis --
That's when the smell hit me, I'm usually decent enough at preventing myself from throwing up while seeing/smelling other people puking.
Unfortunatly this fortitude does not apply when that smell is crustacean remnants bathed in a creamy broth - so I started puking.
Which caused her to puke again - which caused me to puke again. Limbs locked violently spasming out wave after wave of the ungodly mixture
described previously until we eventually manage to unhook - This affected the directionality of the output in a positive way, away from myself atleast-,
I wasn't stopping at this point though I physically couldn't. Coated most of the room before I managed to reign in the orange rain of chunks.
Both of us are covered head to toe in vomit so we figure we should shower and figure out the rest later...

At this point another dilemma arose, while my clothes miraculously survived the encounter relatively intact I wasn't putting them on
for the trip to the bathroom. Anything that makes contact with that devil juice is doomed and I only had one set with me, the clothes
I came in with. Never mind I think, the bathroom is just down the hall everyone is still downstairs -- a quick look down the hall verifies this,
I tell my girlfriend and we decide to make a run for it. She skips on the concept of ruining her clothes with the doom juice and just holds them, I do too.


A mad buttnaked with vomit bodypaint dash for the bathroom down the second floor hallway ensues, everything is clear, operation oh
god fucking vomit removal is a go. We reach the bathroom bust in -- Read open -- the door like ninjas and sprint inside, we turn the corner
get past the sink and see her mother sitting there, taking a shit, reading the latest gossip rag. I look into her eyes, she looks into mine.
Something primal happens I turn around and start booking it like an antelope escaping from an angry lion -- past the sink, around the corner,
through the door into the hallway, towards her room past the stairs -- oh no her dad is coming up the stairs. Engage evasive maneuvering.
I couldn't turn back her mom was bound to be trailing, the only option was to engage a speedboost that would put the flash to shame
and run past her father in a streak of orange vomit covered lightning. I accelerated, he was nearing the final step. I was trying to run
so fast that in retrospect I'm fairly sure I coated the entire second floor in vomit droplets. Anyway-- I was making it or so I thought for a while.
Unfortunately in my haste to accelerate I had lost a proper center of balance and had adopted a running style with far too much forward lean. I got
2 solid strides past the stairs when my bare wet from vomit feet had reached an angle of inclination that was non-compatible with running. One slipped
the other followed a pace apart - the towering structure that is my body had been defeated as I fell down and slid vomit covered chest to hardwood floor
towards the end of the hallway. Even reduced as it was friction did eventually bring me to a halt. Time seemed slow while I was down there cheeks flapping
in the wind, doom approaching from behind.

I could hear the approaching footsteps, one person, two, three, a delayed fourth - I didn't want to get up what would follow had to be bad.
When I finally mustered the courage and got up the entire family had gathered around. Dad looking more confused than any person I have ever seen.
Mom still holding the gossip rag on the page she was reading. Girlfriend terrified of the consequences. Brother WTFing like crazy considering he just
ambled up the stairs to check out the commotion. I tried to hit the button for wordsin my brain but I had none, I made up some inane excuse about
vomiting because of a persistent aggresive childhood reflux and spicy food while not saying a word about the lack of clothing.

We both managed to get a shower in at that point because, well because we were naked and covered in the contents of our stomachs.
What followed was the most awkward conversation I've ever had to sit through in which non virginity status was uncovered -- mom cried --
Dad took it better, we figure he knew and didn't mind as much in retrospect. Sheets and room got cleaned and I pretty much left for home.
As I walked past the kitchen the smell coming from the dishes in the sink triggers PTSD style flashbacks and I vowed to always heed the
warnings given by the gods.

If you're looking for a TL;DR there is none.

Spoiler

Read the whole thing, holy shit dude awkwardddddddd

 

[ajpw]

My worst time was my first time!

I was a sophomore at the time and went to a Halloween party. I thought to myself "Cot damn I bet I can finally get laid tonight"

I end up getting close to a black girl who was wearing a leopard print bra and leopard print panties with a tail on em. At this point I was pretty fucking drunk. So me and her were at this house in the room that was the dance floor and she was freakin her ass on my crotch, which was really getting me going. It got to be pretty late so MOST of the people at the party had started to leave so me and this chick lay down in the dance room, with people still coming and going though not that many.

I was being a little shy, and my buddy came in the room and said here, lemme help you as he untied her top and left the room.

So eventually we both got ass naked and I have her in missionary position and I'm just pounding on this girl for probably 30 minutes because I was too damn drunk to properly feel anything anyway. The problem that arose came to light the next day.

I had been just jack hammering this girls pussy for 30 minutes which happened to be almost completely fucking dry. Woke up the next day and had two fucking rug burns up and down each side of my cock, hurt like a son of a bitch for like 2 weeks, could barely hold it to piss it hurt so bad.

i hate your avatar

edit oops top of page errrrr all my sex has been great

 

[Log4Girlz]

Allow me to regale you with one of 3 tales I will never tell anyone without wearing my internet shroud of anonymity.
I want to write these stories out because I have never shared them but feel a need to share, which is also
why I'm going to try to write this post well because I'll probably never tell these stories again.
(I'm going to split it up into three posts because writing is hard work.)
(Also apologies for any mistakes -- english is not my native language and firefox is being a dick about spellcheck)

Before you go in -- as some sort of directors aside -- I don't rank these stories in a particular order because I feel
like the 3 of them are a comedic trilogy in which every part is of equal value to the next. As a result I'm structuring
these posts in a chronological fashion -- the first story being the oldest and the last the newest. I still like/love
the 3 girls in my stories -- one of them is my fiancee -- so please don't insult them.


Story 1 - The smell was a warning.

Allow me to set the scene -- It's the day after my 18th birthday. I'm sleeping over at my girlfriends house because her
parental guidance unit wants to cook me their odd choice of near ceremonial birthday food. It's scampi baked in a sauce
of cream, butter and a harissa chili style sauce, which despite my initial apprehension tasted delicious. We have dinner
nothing eventful happens and eventually we decide to retreat upstairs so my girlfriend can give me part deux of her special
birthday ceremony.

We get into her room and instruct the boombox to play some music -- not a sex playlist just music so the other people in
the house will think the banging noises and random yelps are not two people sexing hopefully. I say this because her semi
-religious, we believe but never visit a church, parents are still convinced this girl was a virgin. Allow me to assure you that
this in fact was not the case, because -- to put it in internet terms -- I was in her bed killing her virginities.

Now this girl was into foreplay, well not foreplay but certainly heavy kissing and I was happy enough to oblige.
Usually her breath was fine but my nose kindly informed me that today was in fact different -- It smelled sour, penetrating
and was distracting. Now because it was my "birthday party" I reasoned I could short out on foreplay and skip straight to
mouthloving. I like getting my penis licked, kissed and eventually sucked, and since I knew the royal it -- meaning my penis
didn't mind bad breath, I asked her to move south of the border.


She obliges and the whole slow buildup to full blown oral happens and my rocket of love is powering up for liftoff.
Full blown oral is on and it is good -- I like edging and she knows it so I'm walking that tightrope of non orgasm and
I'm starting to lose my balance. Usually I push deeper, she gags this is normal, I like it, It's what I do when I'm about
to launch the bad apples that will never be. That day was not normal however it was my "birthday party" so instead of
gagging and pulling away she stays commited. She gags again - I orgasm - I feel the juicy fruit of my loin & her labour -
I'm impressed by the volume so I look down and...

What I saw at that point is etched into my memory. There was a woman, she looked sort of like my girlfriend.- only she wasn't gorgeous and angelic -
This woman was some sort of fleshy fountain spewing forth a creamy yet chunky mixture of potential babies, a cream&chili sauce and chunks of seafood.
It was sort of statuesque because she was so caught by suprise.

She was frozen in place a short distance above my members club membership member rapidly losing his membership. -- Read flaccid penis --
That's when the smell hit me, I'm usually decent enough at preventing myself from throwing up while seeing/smelling other people puking.
Unfortunatly this fortitude does not apply when that smell is crustacean remnants bathed in a creamy broth - so I started puking.
Which caused her to puke again - which caused me to puke again. Limbs locked violently spasming out wave after wave of the ungodly mixture
described previously until we eventually manage to unhook - This affected the directionality of the output in a positive way, away from myself atleast-,
I wasn't stopping at this point though I physically couldn't. Coated most of the room before I managed to reign in the orange rain of chunks.
Both of us are covered head to toe in vomit so we figure we should shower and figure out the rest later...

At this point another dilemma arose, while my clothes miraculously survived the encounter relatively intact I wasn't putting them on
for the trip to the bathroom. Anything that makes contact with that devil juice is doomed and I only had one set with me, the clothes
I came in with. Never mind I think, the bathroom is just down the hall everyone is still downstairs -- a quick look down the hall verifies this,
I tell my girlfriend and we decide to make a run for it. She skips on the concept of ruining her clothes with the doom juice and just holds them, I do too.


A mad buttnaked with vomit bodypaint dash for the bathroom down the second floor hallway ensues, everything is clear, operation oh
god fucking vomit removal is a go. We reach the bathroom bust in -- Read open -- the door like ninjas and sprint inside, we turn the corner
get past the sink and see her mother sitting there, taking a shit, reading the latest gossip rag. I look into her eyes, she looks into mine.
Something primal happens I turn around and start booking it like an antelope escaping from an angry lion -- past the sink, around the corner,
through the door into the hallway, towards her room past the stairs -- oh no her dad is coming up the stairs. Engage evasive maneuvering.
I couldn't turn back her mom was bound to be trailing, the only option was to engage a speedboost that would put the flash to shame
and run past her father in a streak of orange vomit covered lightning. I accelerated, he was nearing the final step. I was trying to run
so fast that in retrospect I'm fairly sure I coated the entire second floor in vomit droplets. Anyway-- I was making it or so I thought for a while.
Unfortunately in my haste to accelerate I had lost a proper center of balance and had adopted a running style with far too much forward lean. I got
2 solid strides past the stairs when my bare wet from vomit feet had reached an angle of inclination that was non-compatible with running. One slipped
the other followed a pace apart - the towering structure that is my body had been defeated as I fell down and slid vomit covered chest to hardwood floor
towards the end of the hallway. Even reduced as it was friction did eventually bring me to a halt. Time seemed slow while I was down there cheeks flapping
in the wind, doom approaching from behind.

I could hear the approaching footsteps, one person, two, three, a delayed fourth - I didn't want to get up what would follow had to be bad.
When I finally mustered the courage and got up the entire family had gathered around. Dad looking more confused than any person I have ever seen.
Mom still holding the gossip rag on the page she was reading. Girlfriend terrified of the consequences. Brother WTFing like crazy considering he just
ambled up the stairs to check out the commotion. I tried to hit the button for wordsin my brain but I had none, I made up some inane excuse about
vomiting because of a persistent aggresive childhood reflux and spicy food while not saying a word about the lack of clothing.

We both managed to get a shower in at that point because, well because we were naked and covered in the contents of our stomachs.
What followed was the most awkward conversation I've ever had to sit through in which non virginity status was uncovered -- mom cried --
Dad took it better, we figure he knew and didn't mind as much in retrospect. Sheets and room got cleaned and I pretty much left for home.
As I walked past the kitchen the smell coming from the dishes in the sink triggers PTSD style flashbacks and I vowed to always heed the
warnings given by the gods.

If you're looking for a TL;DR there is none.

Sounds fake. There's no way this happened. No, don't come in here defending the honesty of your post, my brain will never be able to comprehend the possibility of this being true. Not even hypothetically. It refuses.

 

[Hypereides]

When I lost my virginity.

Also...

At one point while she's limply tugging at my penis, I straight up tell her, "You know, I'd love it if you'd go down on me right now."

She reacts by putting her fingers to her lips and whispering, "Shhh..."

Wat.

She needs to be educated in the sexy... that's straight up boring.