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[BruiserBear]

In high school I dated a sophomore girl for a few weeks and we had sex once in the auditorium stairwell while a Halo tourney was going on. Would have been at least by-the-books decent fucking except for the fact that she had the WORST smelling pussy I have ever smelt. Good lord, it was like she stuffed garbage up there if the trash can was out of reach. The next Monday I gave her the ol' "it's not you it's me" garbage and traded up for a girl my age whose snapper didn't remind me of a landfill.

I came in here fearing a story like this. I'm very happy I've never dealt with something like that. Would probably scar me for life.

 

[MoG EclipsE]

:O

 

[Anbokr]

Picked up a MILF at the gym, boned her. Ran into her daughter the next morning. She's my age so we chat over breakfast. She's making remarks about the the noises we made and we laugh.

Fast forward to the evening, I'm meeting the MILF to go to the movies, but she tells me she's been called away to work. She then asks me to show her daughter whay I did to make her come so hard that night. The daughter is smoking hot, I'm horny as fuck, so I'm like 'sure no problem.'

If that's not weird enough, shes constantly asking if she's better than her mom. It was fucking awkward and not as hot as porn makes you think.

ya bro and i fucked anna kendrick, shit was awkward and awful--not as hot as gq makes you think

 

[BlackNMild2k1]

I guess can share a post sex surprise story too.

So I had just started seeing this girl, and every time we had sex she Wii pulls always want it slow and easy at first. now I'm not the largest guy, don't really consider myself large at all actually, but she would always claim that it felt like I was rearranging her insides. I never took that seriously but always as some sort of ego boost compliment or something.
Well one night we get home a little drunk and start going at it, I go full on freak mode and let her have it. Switching positions, flipping her over, the whole 9 yards. It was great, she left scratches all over my back, we were both drenched in sweat, and I was quite satisfied.

So as I go to get off of her and get away from the usual wet spot she leaves on the bed, I accidentally put my hand in it, which usually isn't a big deal, but I look at my hand and it's all red. Freaking out a little, I checked myself and I was all clean, so I turn on the light and there is a puddle of blood on the bed. a large dark red puddle, soaked all through the sheets and into the mattress.

We both start to freak out, but more so me than her, as to me it looks like she is about to bleed to death. She jumps out of the bed and runs to the bathroom, screaming something about her insides being rearranged and her not being used to having sex since she had her kid (2+yrs old) and certainly not that rough.

I wasn't sure if I should be proud of myself for having murdered the pussy, or if I should have 9-1-1 on the line trying to get her some medical attention. It turned out she was fine, but her pussy was out of commission for close to week.

We laugh about it now, but I was scared as fuck for a little bit. that could've been a new definition to "manslaughter".

 

[Funky Papa]

Pity sex with an ex. Shit was embarrassing.

I'm not sure how that works. You fuck that somebody because you pity that person? I think I'm physically incapable of that. My body already revulses if I have to hug somebody just to comfort him/her.

 

[MisterNegative]

me and my girl started watching inception and she started trying to have sex with me half way through.

i dumped her the next day because she was distracting me and i need my full attention to appreciate the ~sophistication~ of a christopher nolan film.

HAHA this is fucking hilarious.

 

[AyaisMUsikWhore]

This thread is crazy. It's funny how most of the worst experiences where nasty smelly vag. Wow.

 

[Übermatik]

I can't decide between my first time with an overweight and emotionally desperate girl who jumped me with a vagina that reeked like worn socks that sat at the bottom of a McDonalds bag or the time another girlfriend fucked me so hard, my left nut retracted into a canal which I then had to grip to yank out.

 

[PlayALLtheGames]

Probably the time I had crazy limp dick from too much scotch. Was my fault obviously; I'm sure the girl thought it was the worst ever too, but she kept accosting me after that, and then I made sure I was straight and smashed her good, so it all worked out.

 

[Blader]

18-year-old virgin. Bushy as hell and she just laid there the whole time. To her credit, I wasn't really great that night either, but in my defense I was completely thrown by what was happening -- her non-reactions, her possibly being a virgin (she wasn't very forthcoming about it and didn't even start hinting at it until we started). It was also my first time getting laid in months. So I spent the whole time debating in my head whether or not she was a virgin, why she wasn't doing anything, whether she was being normal and my ex-gf (who is actually crazy) was just a freak in bed or if she really was just this boring, etc.

It was a good learning experience re: virgins.

 

[bjb]

I'd have more fun with a blow up doll than her.

 

[Omegasquash]

I can't quite say I've got a "worst time," but I do have a best time that I don't remember.

I was living in an apartment at the time with a couple of friends. I furnished the living room and provided the TV/most of the games (this was the age when PS2 was relatively new), so I got the master bedroom. I ended up keeping most of my classic/valuable games in there, as I didn't want them to get messed up/stolen, as we had tons of parties and random guests.

Anyway, I was seeing a girl in a long distance relationship but it was summer, so she was back home. She had a summer job working at a Starbucks, and we talked earlier one day, and it just panned out that she wouldn't be able to come over that night. Not a big deal, but I figured I'd have a night in with some Sega Saturn (Sonic Collection) and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Because why not?

So, I'm playing my game and I'm drinking, and it's fun. I'm getting drunk and my room mates are doing the same, in and out of my room all night. One of them ended up getting sick, so he turned in. I kept drinking. The other dude just fired up GTA 3 in the living room, so the night was sort of winding down. I kept drinking. I hear the doorbell ring and figure "fuck it, he'll get it." I assumed it was his GF coming over. After a minute, I hear my bedroom door shut. I turn, and there's my gal wearing a trenchcoat. She drops it to the floor, revealing that she's wearing very naughty things underneath (and my god, was she equipped to wear them). Thigh highs, garter belts...I don't remember the top, only that it worked really well with what she was bringing.

She comes over to the bed (I was sitting on it), kisses me and sort of pushes me down onto my back. At this point, I think I must have browned out, because I don't remember SHIT afterwards.

I woke up the next morning, stark naked, on my back, with my head hanging off the foot of the bed. I still had the Saturn controller in my hand. She was already awake, and staring straight at me with a somewhat irritated look on her face. According to her, she fucked my brains out, and I wasn't a slouch in the sack either. I took forever (because alcohol, lol), but she didn't mind that. It was that I didn't let go of the controller the whole time. When she told me that, I started laughing. I grabbed my head then, because I was hung over and it hurt, but she wasn't amused by that at all. She wasn't acting angry, but she looked so frustrated that I thought it best to tell her that she looked amazing as fuck last night, and that I was lucky to have a gal not just because she was hot (and she was), but because she was awesome enough to do that for me.

She then smiled, got up and went to the bathroom. I then sat up, and unpaused my game. When she came out, I paused it and we went to the kitchen to get coffee. She told me that I liked games way too much. I laughed again. It still hurt.

Like butterscotch.

Tastes like penny.

 

[-PXG-]

Picked up a MILF at the gym, boned her. Ran into her daughter the next morning. She's my age so we chat over breakfast. She's making remarks about the the noises we made and we laugh.

Fast forward to the evening, I'm meeting the MILF to go to the movies, but she tells me she's been called away to work. She then asks me to show her daughter whay I did to make her come so hard that night. The daughter is smoking hot, I'm horny as fuck, so I'm like 'sure no problem.'

If that's not weird enough, shes constantly asking if she's better than her mom. It was fucking awkward and not as hot as porn makes you think.

God damn. Mom whoring out her daughter lol

 

[airblade]

bored at work, read through this thread, so many crazy stories in here.

 

[Guileless]

I would definitely read a short story in the New Yorker about an awkward sexual encounter in a gym stairwell while a Halo tournament was going on.

 

[Drain You]

Girl was on top of me in the back seat of my car. She ends up twisting the wrong way and we hear a pop followed by a lot of pain. Within the hour my junk turned black and blue. I could barely walk. Went to the Dr. a week later and said I had a penile fracture. He said I was lucky too, sometimes if it scars it leaves the person with erectile dysfunction.

 

[Gattsu25]

This isn't my story. This isn't my buddy's story. But it's a story that he told me and true or not, it's fucking hilarious.

So my buddy, Cooper, was in the Navy and he ran a shop where part of his duties were to fix parts of those big ass cannons that go on Destroyers. Well, he had two Sailors that were constantly fucked up. Their attitude: sucked. Work performance: sucked. Hair, boots, uniform, everything about them: sucked.

One morning, after the weekend, Cooper goes into work early, like he normally does and one of those Sailors is already there, looking anxious. He asks him what's wrong. The kid replies that nothing is wrong and Coop tells him that he's there when or if ever he wants to talk.

The work day ends and everyone is leaving to go home and that guy hangs back and says that he needs to talk.

The kid tells him that he got drunk over the weekend and brought a girl back. Not a huge deal really. But the guy explains it -

So towards the end of the night, the bar was shutting down and he'd struck out. He was pretty drunk and horny so he just started hitting on everyone and took the first girl back with him that wanted the D. The girl that he brings back is big. BIG. Easy pushing 250 plus.

They start getting hot and heavy, he turns out the lights and they start removing each other's clothes. She tells him that she's really into tit play so he goes to town. Playing with her nipples, sucking on them, and all around just groping her.

"Are you pregnant" he asks her? This upsets the moment and things stop for a moment and he goes back to what he was doing. "Are you sure you're not pregnant?" No, she says. "Well, you're lactating." I'm not pregnant! she exclaims.

Realizing that she's getting mad, he says fuck it and they have sex. After he's done, he goes into the bathroom to clean up. Coming back out, he turns on the light. This girl is lying on the bed, passed out. As I said earlier, she's big. So her breasts are kind of up towards he head and flopping over to the sides.

Under one of her breasts is a massive boil. In a flash, it all runs through his head : "...you're lactating..." What he thought was her nipple he was sucking on was the head of this boil and instead of milk, he was instead sucking in puss.

Haha !

This is too rich

 

[punkmaggit]

Girl was on top of me in the back seat of my car. She ends up twisting the wrong way and we hear a pop followed by a lot of pain. Within the hour my junk turned black and blue. I could barely walk. Went to the Dr. a week later and said I had a penile fracture. He said I was lucky too, sometimes if it scars it leaves the person with erectile dysfunction.

Why would you wait?!?

 

[Courage]

Girl was on top of me in the back seat of my car. She ends up twisting the wrong way and we hear a pop followed by a lot of pain. Within the hour my junk turned black and blue. I could barely walk. Went to the Dr. a week later and said I had a penile fracture. He said I was lucky too, sometimes if it scars it leaves the person with erectile dysfunction.

Did anyone touch to comfort their penis after reading this?

 

[Drain You]

Why would you wait?!?

Too be honest I'm not really big on Dr.'s, only reason I ended up going was because while the shaft had been black and blue from the start, a week later my sack also started to turn that color. Guess it was somewhat normal though, gravity just pulled the blood or whatever down.

Did anyone touch to comfort their penis after reading this?

The popping noise it made still haunts me to this day.

 

[Deleted member 22576]

When I was 17, the third girl I had ever had sex with wrapped her legs around me in what would have been a super hot motion, but she hadn't shaved her legs and I could feel every hair follicle stabbing me in the back like a cactus.

 

[Broder Salsa]

Ever tried to have sex with a girl that has just pulled out her tampon (like 5 seconds after pulling it out)? Well it's incredible hard to get it in with no moistness and it felt like fucking sandpaper and it quickly stopped again. Probably didn't help we were outside on the side of a road, at night in the dark, so didn't have anything to help the problem. We were young and I mean, the sex normally wasn't very good either.

 

[Ryaaan14]

Not sure if this counts but three of them farted. Didn't bother holding in my laughter.

 

[BFIB]

Both of the above posts are so worth an avatar quote, but its hard to pick which one to choose from.

 

[Alchemist$1I]

I had just broken up with my gf in high school and randomly ran into this girl I always had a crush on back in grade school, a girl who I hadn't seen in over 7 years. And, man, had she grown up into one fine woman! Fast forward a couple days later and we're chillin on her couch watching tv while her mom is out of town. One thing leads to another and we're making out, etc. I notice that she starts to pull back a little, like she had gotten ahead of herself. I thought I figured out the reason as I slipped my hand down the front of her underwear and felt the biggest bush I'd ever come across (I was 18 at the time). I could tell she was embarrassed and hadn't planned on going this far with me. She told me she just had an abortion a couple weeks earlier and wasn't supposed to have sex yet. Not only did this give me pause but it also explained the forest situation to me. Being the horny teenager I was I continued on despite being put off by the recent abortion....that was until I began fingering her and this stench hit my nostrils. Needless to say, I went completely limp—not even my 18-year-old self could hit that. She was begging me to have sex at this point but I just couldn't do it. I made some excuse, left her house, and drove home with my hand out of the car window. Once I got home I washed my hands about 3 times and the smell STILL wouldn't go away! Eventually I poured bleach into a cup and let my fingers soak in it. I don't even think THAT got rid of the smell so much as it did overpower it with its own smell. I'm 30 now and to this day I've never come across a worse-smelling pussy.

Another time I drove three hours to visit this girl I was talking to in another city. She was living with her parents at the time so I went in and said hello to her family before her and I left for dinner. Since I had just driven three hours, she offered to drive for our date, so I left my car parked in her parents' drive-way. After dinner and a movie I was trying to figure out where we could get it on. This girl was in (and still is) my top 5 ever so there was no way i was letting a lack of a hotel get in the way (On my prior visits with her I had gotten a hotel, but for some reason I can't remember now, I planned to drive back home this time). She seemed to be thinking the same thing, as we started discussing what secluded place we could go to. To my dismay, we ended up pulling back into her parents' drive-way. Bummed, I started to grab my things to get out of her car, and she starts to grab my dick and kiss me. Normally i'd be way too scared to even think about fucking around in her parents' drive-way but she was so nonchalant and sure about it (she'd prob done it before lol), it put my mind at ease. She did live on a secluded road and she assured me her parents were asleep. Before you know it she's in the passenger seat with her pants off, and I'm doing the best to take mine off in such a confined space. Next thing you know we're fucking....in her parents' drive-way....and then we're interrupted by this blaring sound. My heart stops and leaps into my throat. I'm confused and shocked because this sound is right outside of her car and I have no idea what it is....and then I realize it's my car alarm! My car that's parked in her parent's drive-way! As we were fucking, I had stepped on my jeans that were laying at my feet and inadvertently triggered the panic button on my key chain. At this point I'm in a panic myself and it's making it that much harder to attempt to turn the alarm off and pull my pants back on. It seemed like the alarm went on for minutes and I fully expected her dad to be pointing a shotgun at my bare ass once I turned around....some how, some way, once I did finally turn the alarm off and pull my pants back on, her dad wasn't outside to confront me. A few lights did go on inside the house but, amazingly, that was the worst of it. She never told me whether her parents said anything about the incident. I suspect they did but she saved me the embarrassment lol. Thankfully she has her own place now, so I've never had to look her parents in the eye since.

 

[TedNindo]

That one time she deflated.

 

[-tetsuo-]

This isn't my story. This isn't my buddy's story. But it's a story that he told me and true or not, it's fucking hilarious.

So my buddy, Cooper, was in the Navy and he ran a shop where part of his duties were to fix parts of those big ass cannons that go on Destroyers. Well, he had two Sailors that were constantly fucked up. Their attitude: sucked. Work performance: sucked. Hair, boots, uniform, everything about them: sucked.

One morning, after the weekend, Cooper goes into work early, like he normally does and one of those Sailors is already there, looking anxious. He asks him what's wrong. The kid replies that nothing is wrong and Coop tells him that he's there when or if ever he wants to talk.

The work day ends and everyone is leaving to go home and that guy hangs back and says that he needs to talk.

The kid tells him that he got drunk over the weekend and brought a girl back. Not a huge deal really. But the guy explains it -

So towards the end of the night, the bar was shutting down and he'd struck out. He was pretty drunk and horny so he just started hitting on everyone and took the first girl back with him that wanted the D. The girl that he brings back is big. BIG. Easy pushing 250 plus.

They start getting hot and heavy, he turns out the lights and they start removing each other's clothes. She tells him that she's really into tit play so he goes to town. Playing with her nipples, sucking on them, and all around just groping her.

"Are you pregnant" he asks her? This upsets the moment and things stop for a moment and he goes back to what he was doing. "Are you sure you're not pregnant?" No, she says. "Well, you're lactating." I'm not pregnant! she exclaims.

Realizing that she's getting mad, he says fuck it and they have sex. After he's done, he goes into the bathroom to clean up. Coming back out, he turns on the light. This girl is lying on the bed, passed out. As I said earlier, she's big. So her breasts are kind of up towards he head and flopping over to the sides.

Under one of her breasts is a massive boil. In a flash, it all runs through his head : "...you're lactating..." What he thought was her nipple he was sucking on was the head of this boil and instead of milk, he was instead sucking in puss.

 

[CrudeDiatribe]

The popping noise it made still haunts me to this day.

ARggggghgghghghghghghghg

wrapped her legs around me in what would have been a super hot motion, but she hadn't shaved her legs and I could feel every hair follicle stabbing me in the back like a cactus.

Clearly better to encourage women to not shave ever so that leg hair is always downy soft.

Not sure if this counts but three of them farted. Didn't bother holding in my laughter.

Like synchronized farting during group sex?

 

[jadedm17]

This thread is making me feel better and worse for not having funnier bad sex stories.

My "worst" sex was also some of my best though : Dated a black girl that looked like Rosario Dawson for a few months last year. Awesome girl but I didn't know how to tell her she had small black hairs between her belly button and up to the middle of her chest. Conversely she had an incredible ass that provided some of the greatest sensation I've ever felt when she was on top.

Then again right now I'm with a girl I don't really care about because I'm lonely and she provides constant sex, so every time with her could count.

Spoiler

Its like I'm starving for food and someone offered me a stale bologna sandwich with chips I don't like and a pouch of awesome gushers; Its not really getting the job done but it beats starving... right?

I As we were fucking, I had stepped on my jeans that were laying at my feet and inadvertently triggered the panic button on my key chain.

That was awesome, thanks for sharing.

 

[Revoh]

One hour ago.
I was at my girlfriend's house. I arrived just when she was finishing taking a bath. We start making out, we proceed to go to bed, we get naked, I take a condom out of my wallet, she notices that I have 3 condoms there when last time I had only 2. I tell her that I found one more in my closet (it's true), she started arguing about it, I asked her "Do you trust me?", she said "No.", I said "Fuck you then", took my beer out of her refrigerator, took a walk to a gas station nearby, drink all the beer, went home, turned on my PC, I deleted my Facebook and Twitter, I'm drunk. I'm typing this. Fuck my life. later

 

[Ryaaan14]

Like synchronized farting during group sex?

loooool no

 

[superpickleman]

Wake up drunk from a night of partying. Call girl I've been messing around with because I'm horny and I'm still drunk enough to think making a booty call in the morning is an ok thing to do. Get to her place, relax and talk for a bit then get down to business. Halfway through a horrible hang over starts kicking in. She's on top of me, my penis dies, but she's a good sport and finishes me with a handy. I end up throwing up in her restroom right after.

 

[NotTheGuyYouKill]

One hour ago.
I was at my girlfriend's house. I arrived just when she was finishing taking a bath. We start making out, we proceed to go to bed, we get naked, I take a condom out of my wallet, she notices that I have 3 condoms there when last time I had only 2. I tell her that I found one more in my closet (it's true), she started arguing about it, I asked her "Do you trust me?", she said "No.", I said "Fuck you then", took my beer out of her refrigerator, took a walk to a gas station nearby, drink all the beer, went home, turned on my PC, I deleted my Facebook and Twitter, I'm drunk. I'm typing this. Fuck my life. later

That... sucks. Sorry, man.

 

[SaskBoy]

One hour ago.
I was at my girlfriend's house. I arrived just when she was finishing taking a bath. We start making out, we proceed to go to bed, we get naked, I take a condom out of my wallet, she notices that I have 3 condoms there when last time I had only 2. I tell her that I found one more in my closet (it's true), she started arguing about it, I asked her "Do you trust me?", she said "No.", I said "Fuck you then", took my beer out of her refrigerator, took a walk to a gas station nearby, drink all the beer, went home, turned on my PC, I deleted my Facebook and Twitter, I'm drunk. I'm typing this. Fuck my life. later

That doesn't even make sense. If you were cheating on her, wouldn't you have less condoms? She sounds irrational, I think you did the right thing.

 

[Mineshaft_Gap]

Without getting into too much detail. I had the best sex of my life last night. I have nothing to contribute to this thread.

 

[Twilight Gap]

The one where we got busted by the cops because empty parking lots are off limits

 

[SaskBoy]

The one where we got busted by the cops because empty parking lots are off limits

So if the parking lot is full it's ok? NICE.

 

[airblade]

One hour ago.
I was at my girlfriend's house. I arrived just when she was finishing taking a bath. We start making out, we proceed to go to bed, we get naked, I take a condom out of my wallet, she notices that I have 3 condoms there when last time I had only 2. I tell her that I found one more in my closet (it's true), she started arguing about it, I asked her "Do you trust me?", she said "No.", I said "Fuck you then", took my beer out of her refrigerator, took a walk to a gas station nearby, drink all the beer, went home, turned on my PC, I deleted my Facebook and Twitter, I'm drunk. I'm typing this. Fuck my life. later

Talk about trust issues.

 

[Zoolader]

At least there is one upside to not having much sex. Shit like this doesnt happen to me.

This, I'm glad I've been with less than 5 girls and never experienced that stank poonany I keep reading about in this thread. I guess my worst story is my friends drunk g/f unzipped my pants and tried to give me oral with another girl I was fooling with during that period in the backseat of a car, while another one of her friends was driving us around. I stopped them because I was so shocked that I couldn't get an erection. As erotic as it may sound it was my bro's g/f and that just killed it for me. She was so plastered that night so I don't even know if she recalled any of it the next day, we never talked about it.

 

[Gherid__lacksGPS]

Not sure if this counts but three of them farted. Didn't bother holding in my laughter.

I've never really had any "bad" sexual experiences, TBH. But my ex farted once. I could tell something was off even before the smell because she kind of tensed up and got kinda quiet. She's all "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry...." Then it hit me and it was so pungent I literally fell back and started gag-laughing. I'm a pretty dirty guy and preffer filthy play, but this really got to me and pretty much put an end to the night, haha.

 

[davepoobond]

One hour ago.
I was at my girlfriend's house. I arrived just when she was finishing taking a bath. We start making out, we proceed to go to bed, we get naked, I take a condom out of my wallet, she notices that I have 3 condoms there when last time I had only 2. I tell her that I found one more in my closet (it's true), she started arguing about it, I asked her "Do you trust me?", she said "No.", I said "Fuck you then", took my beer out of her refrigerator, took a walk to a gas station nearby, drink all the beer, went home, turned on my PC, I deleted my Facebook and Twitter, I'm drunk. I'm typing this. Fuck my life. later

obviously you were planning on having sex with her more than 2 times so she got angry. once you are her boyfriend you shouldnt expect to have sex more than the allotted times

 

[LowEndTorque]

Chick was riding me really hard. She goes up and it slips out and when she comes back down her tailbone crashes onto the tip of my cawk with all her weight behind it. Damn near broke my shit in half.

Was sore for a good week or two, but the worst part was not being able to finish that night. It was bareback, she was smoking hot and on the pill.

 

[mugoldeneagle03]

Got lucky went out of my league & snagged a gorgeous girl. Turns out I was her first (high school days) - Poor girl needed to stop having sex every 2-3 minutes because she had to "pee". Like literally 5-6 times a session. I couldn't even begin to explain so that was a major disappointment.

Runner-up, got wild with a girl who decided to leave her thong on and floor burned the hell out of my cock while I was still playing sports. One of the most painful feelings I've experienced.

EDIT: I do know a girl who was in a pink sock ordeal in a car. Cops were walking up on them, pulled out to quick, boom.

 

[FloatingDivider]

Oh man I'm so close to posting mine, just running through the formatting now. Enjoyed reading the ones so far.

 

[Napoleonthechimp]

A girl was on top of me and she was leaning in such a way that it was bending my penis at a sharp angle. If it was any harder it would've snapped.

That was no fun... the only reason I didn't say anything was because I was young and was grateful for having sex at all.

 

[FloatingDivider]

So I need to know because of this thread now, can male genetalia actually snap ? I mean I know about blown veins but is there something more severe that can happen.

 

[FloatingDivider]

Sorry - double posted.

 

[FloatingDivider]

Allow me to regale you with one of 3 tales I will never tell anyone without wearing my internet shroud of anonymity.
I want to write these stories out because I have never shared them but feel a need to share, which is also
why I'm going to try to write this post well because I'll probably never tell these stories again.
(I'm going to split it up into three posts because writing is hard work.)
(Also apologies for any mistakes -- english is not my native language and firefox is being a dick about spellcheck)

Before you go in -- as some sort of directors aside -- I don't rank these stories in a particular order because I feel
like the 3 of them are a comedic trilogy in which every part is of equal value to the next. As a result I'm structuring
these posts in a chronological fashion -- the first story being the oldest and the last the newest. I still like/love
the 3 girls in my stories -- one of them is my fiancee -- so please don't insult them.


Story 1 - The smell was a warning.

Allow me to set the scene -- It's the day after my 18th birthday. I'm sleeping over at my girlfriends house because her
parental guidance unit wants to cook me their odd choice of near ceremonial birthday food. It's scampi baked in a sauce
of cream, butter and a harissa chili style sauce, which despite my initial apprehension tasted delicious. We have dinner
nothing eventful happens and eventually we decide to retreat upstairs so my girlfriend can give me part deux of her special
birthday ceremony.

We get into her room and instruct the boombox to play some music -- not a sex playlist just music so the other people in
the house will think the banging noises and random yelps are not two people sexing hopefully. I say this because her semi
-religious, we believe but never visit a church, parents are still convinced this girl was a virgin. Allow me to assure you that
this in fact was not the case, because -- to put it in internet terms -- I was in her bed killing her virginities.

Now this girl was into foreplay, well not foreplay but certainly heavy kissing and I was happy enough to oblige.
Usually her breath was fine but my nose kindly informed me that today was in fact different -- It smelled sour, penetrating
and was distracting. Now because it was my "birthday party" I reasoned I could short out on foreplay and skip straight to
mouthloving. I like getting my penis licked, kissed and eventually sucked, and since I knew the royal it -- meaning my penis
didn't mind bad breath, I asked her to move south of the border.


She obliges and the whole slow buildup to full blown oral happens and my rocket of love is powering up for liftoff.
Full blown oral is on and it is good -- I like edging and she knows it so I'm walking that tightrope of non orgasm and
I'm starting to lose my balance. Usually I push deeper, she gags this is normal, I like it, It's what I do when I'm about
to launch the bad apples that will never be. That day was not normal however it was my "birthday party" so instead of
gagging and pulling away she stays commited. She gags again - I orgasm - I feel the juicy fruit of my loin & her labour -
I'm impressed by the volume so I look down and...

What I saw at that point is etched into my memory. There was a woman, she looked sort of like my girlfriend.- only she wasn't gorgeous and angelic -
This woman was some sort of fleshy fountain spewing forth a creamy yet chunky mixture of potential babies, a cream&chili sauce and chunks of seafood.
It was sort of statuesque because she was so caught by suprise.

She was frozen in place a short distance above my members club membership member rapidly losing his membership. -- Read flaccid penis --
That's when the smell hit me, I'm usually decent enough at preventing myself from throwing up while seeing/smelling other people puking.
Unfortunatly this fortitude does not apply when that smell is crustacean remnants bathed in a creamy broth - so I started puking.
Which caused her to puke again - which caused me to puke again. Limbs locked violently spasming out wave after wave of the ungodly mixture
described previously until we eventually manage to unhook - This affected the directionality of the output in a positive way, away from myself atleast-,
I wasn't stopping at this point though I physically couldn't. Coated most of the room before I managed to reign in the orange rain of chunks.
Both of us are covered head to toe in vomit so we figure we should shower and figure out the rest later...

At this point another dilemma arose, while my clothes miraculously survived the encounter relatively intact I wasn't putting them on
for the trip to the bathroom. Anything that makes contact with that devil juice is doomed and I only had one set with me, the clothes
I came in with. Never mind I think, the bathroom is just down the hall everyone is still downstairs -- a quick look down the hall verifies this,
I tell my girlfriend and we decide to make a run for it. She skips on the concept of ruining her clothes with the doom juice and just holds them, I do too.


A mad buttnaked with vomit bodypaint dash for the bathroom down the second floor hallway ensues, everything is clear, operation oh
god fucking vomit removal is a go. We reach the bathroom bust in -- Read open -- the door like ninjas and sprint inside, we turn the corner
get past the sink and see her mother sitting there, taking a shit, reading the latest gossip rag. I look into her eyes, she looks into mine.
Something primal happens I turn around and start booking it like an antelope escaping from an angry lion -- past the sink, around the corner,
through the door into the hallway, towards her room past the stairs -- oh no her dad is coming up the stairs. Engage evasive maneuvering.
I couldn't turn back her mom was bound to be trailing, the only option was to engage a speedboost that would put the flash to shame
and run past her father in a streak of orange vomit covered lightning. I accelerated, he was nearing the final step. I was trying to run
so fast that in retrospect I'm fairly sure I coated the entire second floor in vomit droplets. Anyway-- I was making it or so I thought for a while.
Unfortunately in my haste to accelerate I had lost a proper center of balance and had adopted a running style with far too much forward lean. I got
2 solid strides past the stairs when my bare wet from vomit feet had reached an angle of inclination that was non-compatible with running. One slipped
the other followed a pace apart - the towering structure that is my body had been defeated as I fell down and slid vomit covered chest to hardwood floor
towards the end of the hallway. Even reduced as it was friction did eventually bring me to a halt. Time seemed slow while I was down there cheeks flapping
in the wind, doom approaching from behind.

I could hear the approaching footsteps, one person, two, three, a delayed fourth - I didn't want to get up what would follow had to be bad.
When I finally mustered the courage and got up the entire family had gathered around. Dad looking more confused than any person I have ever seen.
Mom still holding the gossip rag on the page she was reading. Girlfriend terrified of the consequences. Brother WTFing like crazy considering he just
ambled up the stairs to check out the commotion. I tried to hit the button for wordsin my brain but I had none, I made up some inane excuse about
vomiting because of a persistent aggresive childhood reflux and spicy food while not saying a word about the lack of clothing.

We both managed to get a shower in at that point because, well because we were naked and covered in the contents of our stomachs.
What followed was the most awkward conversation I've ever had to sit through in which non virginity status was uncovered -- mom cried --
Dad took it better, we figure he knew and didn't mind as much in retrospect. Sheets and room got cleaned and I pretty much left for home.
As I walked past the kitchen the smell coming from the dishes in the sink triggers PTSD style flashbacks and I vowed to always heed the
warnings given by the gods.

If you're looking for a TL;DR there is none.

 

[Kyne]

^
it's called a penile fracture.

edit:
whoa. 2 posts up.

 

[we.are.the.armada]

Some Japanese toilets that are the Western type have this sink on top of them. Yeah, broke one of those while doing it in the water closet. Not cool. Then had to explain it to her folks.