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Worst sex you've ever had?

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P

Puckmarin

Banned
RickD said:
Its not exactly a maw of Satanic horror story but it sticks in my mind.
When i was still a teenager my GF at the time had a bit of a complex about not being a "sack of potatoes" when having sex.
Thing is, she was so obsessed with this sack thing, when we had sex it was like my cock was a taser and she would just sort of randomly move as if she was getting an electric shock.
I asked her to do it doggy just so I didn't have to deal with her spazzy movements and all of a sudden there was this

tptptptptttfffffffftttt noise from her Vagina as she let out a massive fanny fart

I continued to thrust
tpfpfp
tptptpfpffttt
tppfpfpfftt

Couldn't hold it together at that point and just burst out laughing, she didn't see the funny side. But looking back the sex with her was awful We were young so sex wasn't exactly mills & boon, but it was better than nothing at the time.
Click to expand...

Along similar lines, I dated a girl for a couple of months who insisted on talking dirty all through sex, every time we had sex. At first it was kinda hot but after a few times it just got distracting. You can only hear "fuck that pussy" so many times before you get bored.

The same girl also had an intense phobia of orgasms. As in, she was 23 and had never had one. Not even while masturbating or playing with toys. She'd get herself right to the edge and then quit. Just stop. I'd go down on her and she'd stop me before she came. Odd girl.

I asked her about it one time and she said that it just sort of never happened when she was younger and playing around with herself and now she's afraid to cum. To be a bit more accurate, I think she was afraid that she would squirt if/when she did cum and she didn't want to do that. As far as I know she's still never had an orgasm.
 
F

Featheredkitten

Banned
Devolution said:
Sometimes things don't hurt, they are just an overwhelming feeling. It happens to me when I get direct stimulation sometimes and I don't relax.
Click to expand...

I don't know it's taken me a long time to finally get comfortable with receiving oral, now that i have learned to relax, and he's great at it so i don't try to squirm away... now i'm going to be all paranoid about it though :S
 
X

Xero

Member
Although I don't remember the details I remembered a friend of mines experience. Apparently he was with a girl that squirted so much that his entire bed was absolutely drenched. I don't know her actual name, as he has only referred to her as squirtle.
 
G

Gattsu25

Banned
Vesmir said:
Fuck you for taking me away from a test. :(

So I was talking with a girl online about 5 years ago, back when I was living in SoCal. She seemed of the shy type, but after about a couple of weeks, she really opened up, phone and skype sex every other night, all the stuff.

We decide to finally meet up because we could not take it anymore. She wanted some, I wanted it all, and it would be hot to meet somewhere in the middle (we lived a good 40ish miles apart) and just go. The day comes, and after having lunch and playing mini-golf, we get to the motel, I shell out $90, and we get into the room and immediately my shirt is flying, and we are making out.

Now, the first warning sign was that it was my clothes being shed. She wasn't a secret fatty, because I saw what was up over cam. But hell, she was pulling me and getting down so I paid it little attention. I get around to getting her on the bed, taking her shirt off, unbuckling her bra and giving her every bit of attention with my mouth. She's loving it, and after some time, starts to unbuckle her pants, but stops. I think to myself, "Ok, she wants me to do it" but when I reach, she pushes me away. Now, I'm harder than Thor's hammer and I want to go all out, so I push her hand away and begin to strip off the pants and tear off her panties.

BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.
The smell came all at once, and hit me harder and faster than a 12-gauge to the temple. From hard as a rock to a banana peel, and it took all the willpower to not heave. I looked at her, and she had this look that told me that this was a problem for other guys and was awaiting my reaction. With eyes watering and the gag reflexes doing the work of gods, I kissed her and began fingering...I did not want her to feel bad but my dick could not do that work. Then the worst thing happens. She pushes my head down in an effort to do the impossible...but again, I didn't want to make her feel bad. I spread her apart, breathing from my mouth, and mind you the smell gets worse. Imagine mildew, old urine and a slight whiff of ass. Then toss that into a can of tuna. It's not good. I lick, and my body said no, and I heave. She gasps, I say something along the lines of ITS NOT YOU IM SICK but as soon as I do I throw up in my mouth. She begins crying while struggling to put on her ripped panties, and I just feel like shit both physically and for the poor sap that has to take that next time. By the time I get out of the bathroom, she's gone, and we haven't really talked since.

tl;dr: If it smells, suggest to take a shower together or something, because damn.
Click to expand...

Best avatar?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QFwo57WKwg

Best fucking avatar
 
I

Ingueferroque

Banned
Vesmir said:
Fuck you for taking me away from a test. :(

So I was talking with a girl online about 5 years ago, back when I was living in SoCal. She seemed of the shy type, but after about a couple of weeks, she really opened up, phone and skype sex every other night, all the stuff.

We decide to finally meet up because we could not take it anymore. She wanted some, I wanted it all, and it would be hot to meet somewhere in the middle (we lived a good 40ish miles apart) and just go. The day comes, and after having lunch and playing mini-golf, we get to the motel, I shell out $90, and we get into the room and immediately my shirt is flying, and we are making out.

Now, the first warning sign was that it was my clothes being shed. She wasn't a secret fatty, because I saw what was up over cam. But hell, she was pulling me and getting down so I paid it little attention. I get around to getting her on the bed, taking her shirt off, unbuckling her bra and giving her every bit of attention with my mouth. She's loving it, and after some time, starts to unbuckle her pants, but stops. I think to myself, "Ok, she wants me to do it" but when I reach, she pushes me away. Now, I'm harder than Thor's hammer and I want to go all out, so I push her hand away and begin to strip off the pants and tear off her panties.

BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.
The smell came all at once, and hit me harder and faster than a 12-gauge to the temple. From hard as a rock to a banana peel, and it took all the willpower to not heave. I looked at her, and she had this look that told me that this was a problem for other guys and was awaiting my reaction. With eyes watering and the gag reflexes doing the work of gods, I kissed her and began fingering...I did not want her to feel bad but my dick could not do that work. Then the worst thing happens. She pushes my head down in an effort to do the impossible...but again, I didn't want to make her feel bad. I spread her apart, breathing from my mouth, and mind you the smell gets worse. Imagine mildew, old urine and a slight whiff of ass. Then toss that into a can of tuna. It's not good. I lick, and my body said no, and I heave. She gasps, I say something along the lines of ITS NOT YOU IM SICK but as soon as I do I throw up in my mouth. She begins crying while struggling to put on her ripped panties, and I just feel like shit both physically and for the poor sap that has to take that next time. By the time I get out of the bathroom, she's gone, and we haven't really talked since.

tl;dr: If it smells, suggest to take a shower together or something, because damn.
Click to expand...


Wow. :(
 
S

Sai-kun

Banned
cuevas said:
Worst sex is no sex.
Click to expand...

mPgwS.gif
 
M

mjc

Member
Probably the worst was last week with my current GF. We were fooling around late one night and it led to the bedroom. We went at it for no more than 15 minutes when she got up to go to the bathroom. I laid there at full mast waiting for her to get back, but when she got back she said that she was done for the night. I grudgingly accepted not thinking anything of it. She must have been tired or something.

The next morning we were chilling watching TV when I decided to try and finish the deed from the last night. She kept pushing me away saying that "she was gross" down there at the moment. I took that as her needing to do some shescaping, but no. Oh no. I kept toying around and she gave in. I (luckily) threw a condom on before I dove in, as blood started to leak out. I kept going for a minute or two then stopped...saying that we could jump in the shower. It wasn't just period blood...it was the horrible stench that accompanied it. It seriously made my stomach turn over.

That's what I get for being over-eager even when she warned me a couple of times. Not gonna try that again.
 
D

donkey show

Member
Holy shit! (which is actually a good way to describe some of these stories). A lot of them are disgusting as hell, but too hilarious not to read.

Mine isn't disgusting in that sense, but definitely worst sex ever for me. Back when I was in Airborne school, I remember one particular weekend a bunch of us who knew each other from AIT went off base to Atlanta for the weekend. Did the usual partying and drinking and went back to our one hotel room to sleep in. Basically it was about 4 dudes (including myself) and two girls sleeping on two double beds, so yeah mega cramped. The last thing I remember before passing out was throwing up into a trash can on the side of one of the beds.

Anyway, I wake up in the middle of the night to my dick getting groped by one of the girls. Although it was most definitely a pleasant way to come to consciousness, everyone else in the room was sleeping around us. I remember telling her, "but I just threw up..." She said it was okay, and continued stroking and rubbing her ass on my dick. On our bed, from end to end, was her, myself, and one of my buddies who I knew since basic. Although kinda knowing the position I was in, I was still pretty plastered, handled the foreplay, then proceeded to ninja fuck her from behind while dude was sleeping right next to me. We'd occasionally pause whenever we thought we shook the bed too much or felt my buddy shuffle or get too close. Mega awkward, but we still continued as it was kinda thrilling... even though we probably could've just moved to the floor or went into the bathroom.

As I was about to cum, I felt my ass getting cupped. It took a little to register as I was still in the process of thrusting my way into climax when I finally reached for those hands in a moment of ecstasy and realized it was my buddy's was groping me. I silently, but disgustingly came while pushing the girl off the bed while attempting to quietly rush my way to the bathroom in an attempt to play it off like I needed to take a shit bad. Some of my friends wake up and wonder what's going on, while the girl I was with kept asking if I was okay outside the bathroom door. After about a couple of minutes, I went back outside and decided to sleep on the floor with the girl and told her what happened. She pretty much laughed her way to sleep and I passed out with the feeling that one of my friends strangely shared a moment with me. Supposedly he was asleep the whole time this happened, even after I ran out to the bathroom, but I will never really know since I never bothered to ask him about that night. :S
 
F

Funky Papa

FUNK-Y-PPA-4
Seriously, gaffers who partake in period sex are bigger men than me and I make no bones about it.

The smell triggers my gag reflex like nothing else in the world. I'd put rotting carcasses well below the stench of menstrual blood.
 
S

SillyEskimo

Member
Sentry said:
Ok i found the story (maybe it'll make you feel better); http://www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?p=39771985#post39771985

"I have had sex with women on their period before. I never made a habit out of it, but the experience is known to me. Anyway, I had just started dating this girl and we had already had sex a couple of times. This is like, the first week of dating. She comes over and is kind of not into it that night, which was a complete 180 from the previous couple of encounters. Anyway, I find out she "can't have sex because she is on her period". I'm like "Oh, that's no big deal to me as long as you're ok with it". She hesitated at first but "As long as you're ok with it, I'm willing to try". We make out, light foreplay, start fucking. She gets on top of me and, I swear to Christ, she was hemorrhaging like a stuck pig. I could hear wet sloshing as she bounced up and down. I could feel the blood all over me. To this day, I have never seen so much blood in one spot in my life. She kept going, seemingly oblivious to it. Blood pooled up in my belly button and I could feel the thick warmth running down my flanks onto the hallway carpet (we were fucking on the floor in the hallway). She came. I faked it. She was all sweaty and wore out when finished but she stayed on top of me. Of course, I hadn't cum for real so was still rock hard. She was all giggly and sat there for a minute on my cock post coitus. I was thinking "Seriously, just get off me already, you're still bleeding". When she did, sure enough, more blood. She just walked to the bathroom and jumped in the shower. I could barely even look at myself. The blood had dried in spots because we had been doing it awhile. It smelled like a charnel house. My pubic hair was all matted and dried to my body, but still wet all over. It looked like I had just been murdered.

We showered. I never mentioned it again. Clean up was a bitch. My carpet was stained (in reality only a couple of drops, I thought it was going to be about as much as the Great Lakes) and I found bloody fingerprints all over my apartment for the next week or so from when I had tried to clean up before joining her in the shower."

I still laughed so hard reading this all over again
Click to expand...

I'm happy you liked the story.

Reading the various period related posts in this thread just takes me right back. I'm glad I'm not the only one!
 
F

Funky Papa

FUNK-Y-PPA-4
More chicks need to share the horror. I want to shriek reading about corn knob dicks, poor hygiene and gross, flabby bellies making terrible noises.
 
A

alphaNoid

Banned
donkey show said:
Holy shit! (which is actually a good way to describe some of these stories). A lot of them are disgusting as hell, but too hilarious not to read.

Mine isn't disgusting in that sense, but definitely worst sex ever for me. Back when I was in Airborne school, I remember one particular weekend a bunch of us who knew each other from AIT went off base to Atlanta for the weekend. Did the usual partying and drinking and went back to our one hotel room to sleep in. Basically it was about 4 dudes (including myself) and two girls sleeping on two double beds, so yeah mega cramped. The last thing I remember before passing out was throwing up into a trash can on the side of one of the beds.

Anyway, I wake up in the middle of the night to my dick getting groped by one of the girls. Although it was most definitely a pleasant way to come to consciousness, everyone else in the room was sleeping around us. I remember telling her, "but I just threw up..." She said it was okay, and continued stroking and rubbing her ass on my dick. On our bed, from end to end, was her, myself, and one of my buddies who I knew since basic. Although kinda knowing the position I was in, I was still pretty plastered, handled the foreplay, then proceeded to ninja fuck her from behind while dude was sleeping right next to me. We'd occasionally pause whenever we thought we shook the bed too much or felt my buddy shuffle or get too close. Mega awkward, but we still continued as it was kinda thrilling... even though we probably could've just moved to the floor or went into the bathroom.

As I was about to cum, I felt my ass getting cupped. It took a little to register as I was still in the process of thrusting my way into climax when I finally reached for those hands in a moment of ecstasy and realized it was my buddy's was groping me. I silently, but disgustingly came while pushing the girl off the bed while attempting to quietly rush my way to the bathroom in an attempt to play it off like I needed to take a shit bad. Some of my friends wake up and wonder what's going on, while the girl I was with kept asking if I was okay outside the bathroom door. After about a couple of minutes, I went back outside and decided to sleep on the floor with the girl and told her what happened. She pretty much laughed her way to sleep and I passed out with the feeling that one of my friends strangely shared a moment with me. Supposedly he was asleep the whole time this happened, even after I ran out to the bathroom, but I will never really know since I never bothered to ask him about that night. :S
Click to expand...

Dude was rubbing your butt while you came, and did it on purpose. No doubt about it.
 
M

mjc

Member
Funky Papa said:
Seriously, gaffers who partake in period sex are bigger men than me and I make no bones about it.

The smell triggers my gag reflex like nothing else in the world. I'd put rotting carcasses well below the stench of menstrual blood.
Click to expand...

At least in my case, it was a textbook version of the penispunchingbrain.gif. Not letting that happen ever again. It seriously screws with your brain.
 
A

Angry Grimace

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and says "does something taste funny to you?"
donkey show said:
Holy shit! (which is actually a good way to describe some of these stories). A lot of them are disgusting as hell, but too hilarious not to read.

Mine isn't disgusting in that sense, but definitely worst sex ever for me. Back when I was in Airborne school, I remember one particular weekend a bunch of us who knew each other from AIT went off base to Atlanta for the weekend. Did the usual partying and drinking and went back to our one hotel room to sleep in. Basically it was about 4 dudes (including myself) and two girls sleeping on two double beds, so yeah mega cramped. The last thing I remember before passing out was throwing up into a trash can on the side of one of the beds.

Anyway, I wake up in the middle of the night to my dick getting groped by one of the girls. Although it was most definitely a pleasant way to come to consciousness, everyone else in the room was sleeping around us. I remember telling her, "but I just threw up..." She said it was okay, and continued stroking and rubbing her ass on my dick. On our bed, from end to end, was her, myself, and one of my buddies who I knew since basic. Although kinda knowing the position I was in, I was still pretty plastered, handled the foreplay, then proceeded to ninja fuck her from behind while dude was sleeping right next to me. We'd occasionally pause whenever we thought we shook the bed too much or felt my buddy shuffle or get too close. Mega awkward, but we still continued as it was kinda thrilling... even though we probably could've just moved to the floor or went into the bathroom.

As I was about to cum, I felt my ass getting cupped. It took a little to register as I was still in the process of thrusting my way into climax when I finally reached for those hands in a moment of ecstasy and realized it was my buddy's was groping me. I silently, but disgustingly came while pushing the girl off the bed while attempting to quietly rush my way to the bathroom in an attempt to play it off like I needed to take a shit bad. Some of my friends wake up and wonder what's going on, while the girl I was with kept asking if I was okay outside the bathroom door. After about a couple of minutes, I went back outside and decided to sleep on the floor with the girl and told her what happened. She pretty much laughed her way to sleep and I passed out with the feeling that one of my friends strangely shared a moment with me. Supposedly he was asleep the whole time this happened, even after I ran out to the bathroom, but I will never really know since I never bothered to ask him about that night. :S
Click to expand...
Now see, this is hilarious.
 
E

endresults

Member
Met a girl on a chat room on the internet. after a week or so of flirting and phone sex, she bought me a plane ticket and I flew over, cross country, and stayed in a New Jersey hotel for a week screwing her when she came by and watching TV and eating convenience store food when she wasn't there. Then the police came. You see, at the time I was 15 and she was 41 and married; she actually had a son that was my age. The police back home swiped my computer and figured out where I was and had the NJ police pick me up. Talk about an awkward conversation when I got back home...

Don't know what happened to the woman, and honestly, one day I hope I forget that it ever happened.
 
J

Jezabel

Member
first time i did it was with with the local bicycle at the beach carpark right on the bitumen. god damn it was painful, i had spiky plants touching my ass and bark scratching my knees.

after we finished she waslked off without saying a word to me and five minutes later i saw here sucking off my mate (at the time).

then to top it off rumor got around that she was on her rags when i ate her out. (i dont remember) but that was a bad week to live in a small town full of bitchy teens
 
B

beje

Banned
Pity sex, please avoid like the plague. Also everytime I make a Mikado when it's not unplanned sex: CLEAN THE FFFF UP even if we're using condoms.

Edit: almost forgot about that threesome with two guys that were so high on coke that they couldn't get a hard on. Had one masturbate me and I left as soon as I was done.
 
F

FStop7

Banned
endresults said:
Met a girl on a chat room on the internet. after a week or so of flirting and phone sex, she bought me a plane ticket and I flew over, cross country, and stayed in a New Jersey hotel for a week screwing her when she came by and watching TV and eating convenience store food when she wasn't there. Then the police came. You see, at the time I was 15 and she was 41 and married; she actually had a son that was my age. The police back home swiped my computer and figured out where I was and had the NJ police pick me up. Talk about an awkward conversation when I got back home...

Don't know what happened to the woman, and honestly, one day I hope I forget that it ever happened.
Click to expand...

Oh my gracious
 
A

Al-ibn Kermit

Junior Member
Riggs said:
It's to the point in this thread where I think a lot of us should just invest in nose plugs. Like that dude from Rescue Me. He was banging this incredibly hot chick but every time they had sex she let out insanely bad smells. He finally just took his face mask from the fire house and fucked her with that on. Everyone wins!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oBzlF4OW3D4
Click to expand...

IIRC, she had an intestinal condition which caused her to fart every time there was penetration.

But she was so hot.
 
E

Esch

Banned
endresults said:
Met a girl on a chat room on the internet. after a week or so of flirting and phone sex, she bought me a plane ticket and I flew over, cross country, and stayed in a New Jersey hotel for a week screwing her when she came by and watching TV and eating convenience store food when she wasn't there. Then the police came. You see, at the time I was 15 and she was 41 and married; she actually had a son that was my age. The police back home swiped my computer and figured out where I was and had the NJ police pick me up. Talk about an awkward conversation when I got back home...

Don't know what happened to the woman, and honestly, one day I hope I forget that it ever happened.
Click to expand...

I've never had a more appropriate opportunity to use this
 
D

donkey show

Member
Angry Grimace said:
Now see, this is hilarious.
Click to expand...

Drinking always brings out good times for someone. Fucking memories... xD

Jezabel said:
first time i did it was with with the local bicycle at the beach carpark right on the bitumen. god damn it was painful, i had spiky plants touching my ass and bark scratching my knees.

after we finished she waslked off without saying a word to me and five minutes later i saw here sucking off my mate (at the time).

then to top it off rumor got around that she was on her rags when i ate her out. (i dont remember) but that was a bad week to live in a small town full of bitchy teens
Click to expand...

This story reminds me of a Flynt Flossy lyric: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=prfoq00bG3Y#t=98s
 
A

akira28

Member
Back seat of an Audi. Couldn't do anything. Really uncomfortable. Too short for her to be on top, too small for me to do anything but sit down. Had to resort to Plan B. If it had been an American car, however...
 
S

Seanspeed

Banned
Featheredkitten said:
no, i mean trying to jam it in where there isn't a hole.

"WOAH! That's not a hole!" *flee!*
Click to expand...

I dont think there's guy on this earth who hasn't made that mistake at least once.

Anyways, I'd share stories but they're just the general whiskey dick, period sex and 30 second sex stories.
 
M

Mully

Member
Girl was hairy.

Skipped foreplay because she was hairy.

Had sex for one minute because I realized hair got in my mouth. A bunch of hair.

Left the room.


Obviously the worst sex I had was my first time. There was no foreplay or creativity. Just missionary and nervous thrusting.
 
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