SDCowboy
Member
What?
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Is it important that your partner change his/her last name when you get married?
- Thread starter LittleBoots
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What?
Any adult should be able to see how that is not a compromise. That is one side making bullying demands and claiming a slightly less bullying demand is a compromise.
LittleBoots
Member
Choosing between your last name and whether to get married shouldn't be something you have to do. It's possible to do both. However, this is a non-issue for you since you said you don't want to get married.
D
Deleted member 752119
Unconfirmed Member
Not at all, and my fiancé will just keep her name when we get married.
Not something I've ever cared about. We're not having kids either, so no name issues there to consider.
Not something I've ever cared about. We're not having kids either, so no name issues there to consider.
Alligatorjandro
Banned
I would like my wife to take my name
DeaconKnowledge
Member
I disagree. You're coming at me from the opinion that marriage is a neccessity. I claim it isn't. Who's right?
I'm a reasonable person. If i'm with a woman and neither option is palatable for her, she's perfectly in her rights to leave. I shouldn't be made to feel my stance of NOT getting married is any less valid.
So the special bond you nurture between your significant other comes down to some letters on a paper. It's interesting it's that pivotal to some people. Honestly never knew that.
Easton Dark
Member
Entertaining the demands would be trying to find a name-change that would satisfy both parties. Not what I advocate.
Justified or not, this will make him unhappy, at least a little bit. I would find another way to soothe his feelings, as I said the best relationship would have both people equally happy. Give and take, etc.
DeaconKnowledge
Member
Seems hypocritical to me. IF our bond is so special, why does it have to be put on paper at all?
I'd like it, but it'd be up to her. It simplifies some things (mostly because people are used to it because it's traditional, and assuming we have kids, it'd mean we'd all have the last name) but complicates others. And it complicates a lot more things than it used to.
Legal status
Most likely either hyphenated last name, or have their middle name be one of the parent's last names.
Legal status
Most likely either hyphenated last name, or have their middle name be one of the parent's last names.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
LOL holy shit.
I think you might hate women. Love and relationships are not wars and negotiations.
DeaconKnowledge
Member
I hate women because I don't want to get married?!
What a stretch.
In most states 6 months of living together grants you all the same advantages as being legally married.
LittleBoots
Member
No one said that people have to get married, here. We just said if you want to get married and keep your last name, you should be able to do both. It's possible to do so. We get that you don't want to get your married. We also get that you're very adamant about your significant other change her last name for you if ever you did want to get married. But putting an ultimatum on her like that isn't fair.
No one said that it's because you don't want to get married. It's because if you were to get married, you'd make her bend to your will regarding a name change.
Alex Stroud
Banned
Get a little bit more life experience outside OT and you'll realize how dumb you sound.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
You're like "I hate traditions, but if we follow them, we will do the ones that are best for me."
Possibly more that you appear to view marriage as putting you at a disadvantage by default, because you're not female.
DeaconKnowledge
Member
And I get that it's possible.
OP asked for my opinion, I gave it.
I don't see how it's not fair. As I said previously just by marrying you I am risking a lot if we ever split. Not to mention that the act of me giving in and marrying will be by ultimatum as well (ie, 'either we get married or we're through') So I have to give in to ultimatums but not have my own?
First off, that's bullshit, as keeping my last name is a very small ask.
Second, still don't see how that equates to hating women. (Unless hating the institution of marriage = hating women somehow).
As I said earlier, marriage IS putting me at a disadvantage. That's why I don't want to do it.
My love for my woman remains regardless of whether or not we sign a piece of paper, and if she is so adamant that she keep her name, if we don't get married, the problem is easily solved!
I think the most you should do is be patient with how they may have a problem with it and take some time to deal with it.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
The other person is risking just as much as you. You've got marriage so warped.
Common law is in nine states and DC, according to Wikipedia. And apparently Alabama is getting rid of it next year.
Where did this magical "We're getting married or we are through" ultimatum come from? Your ass?
C'mon now don't be disrespectful. At least there was a civil conversation going.
To be fair, marriage is generally unsuited to people that are planning to escape from it unscathed before it's even on the table.
You're saying it's a very small ask, yet it is one of the make or breaks of a relationship..
LittleBoots
Member
No. There shouldn't be any ultimatums in the first place. If she says that to you and you really are against marriage, you don't have to give in. If it's that important to you, don't get married. She'll have to move on.
DeaconKnowledge
Member
Under the assumption that we're equal financially, sure. What if I bring more?
Also, with children, the benefit of the doubt lies with the female in the courts by default. My wife decides to leave me and says she's taking the kids - chances are I get dual custody, if i'm lucky. More likely She keeps the kids and I get visitation.
Everything that i've said in this thread is from personal experience.
Shoulda coulda woulda. I agree that ideally there shouldn't be ultimatums, but that's not how life works.
It's been long in my family to marry someone in the same caste system (so the bride and groom have the same last name before and after they hitch)
I am not familiar of anyone in my/extended family who did not marry outside this type of matrimony
My fiancée and I might do one the following.
Take her last name, which she is fine with as she was raised with the idea that one shared name brought union between the families.
Take one of my last names, which she is fine with as she was raised with the idea that one shared name brought union between the families.
Use a new last name from one side or the other that has faded or died off, but can be revived (say from a family line that had no heirs two generations back). Both change their names then, and accepted because one shared name brought union and respected history.
Create a brand new last name. Create union still though it would have to have some aspects of both our families.
Keep both our last names and name, but give a future child one of our names. Child would represent union.
Keep both our last names, and use a prefix (e.g. son of) give the child the new last name like McKen-HerLastName, representing my fatherhood and her family, representing a union as my blood joins their line.
Keep both our last names and slam, and welcome to the jam that is a marriage, a union.
I'm fine with any of it, because in the end it's all about me being with her and that's honestly all I want and desire. A union of love.
Take her last name, which she is fine with as she was raised with the idea that one shared name brought union between the families.
Take one of my last names, which she is fine with as she was raised with the idea that one shared name brought union between the families.
Use a new last name from one side or the other that has faded or died off, but can be revived (say from a family line that had no heirs two generations back). Both change their names then, and accepted because one shared name brought union and respected history.
Create a brand new last name. Create union still though it would have to have some aspects of both our families.
Keep both our last names and name, but give a future child one of our names. Child would represent union.
Keep both our last names, and use a prefix (e.g. son of) give the child the new last name like McKen-HerLastName, representing my fatherhood and her family, representing a union as my blood joins their line.
Keep both our last names and slam, and welcome to the jam that is a marriage, a union.
I'm fine with any of it, because in the end it's all about me being with her and that's honestly all I want and desire. A union of love.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
Seriously.
Deacon posted "I'm a reasonable person" on the page before, but now it's like "taking my name is a small ask, but literally mandatory because it's that important to me if I'm to be ultimatumed into signing papers with you."
LittleBoots
Member
I'm sure you'll get ultimatums within the relationship. I'm sure there will be tough times and tough decisions to make. That doesn't mean you have to sacrifice the most important things to you for your significant other. If your significant other gives you ultimatums like that, you should leave him or her. You don't have to deal with it.
DeaconKnowledge
Member
Exactly. Same goes for her.
Yep. Still waiting on how this makes me a woman hater.
So your feelings trump hers and you see nothing wrong with this.
ClayKavalier
Banned
Everyone keeping their own name seems like it would introduce more complications to me once you have kids. My wife took my last name but I wouldn't have minded if she wanted to keep hers. I don't think I'd feel the same if we had kids though, seems weird to have a kid that doesn't share your last name.
We're not talking about the life of DeconKnowledge.
Liu Kang Baking A Pie
Member
It's the part where you're making yourself out to be the victim in hypothetical situations where women would make an ultimatum about marrying you that you'd accept only if she changes to your name.
DeaconKnowledge
Member
How do you know my feelings trump hers?
My feeling is "I don't want to get married." But according to you I should abandon that position because...why? Why does my opinion matter less than hers?
I say again, no woman HAS to marry me, even with my condition of taking my name. How is me wanting to not get married ANY different from the woman not wanting to take my name?
Stating my opinion is making myself a victim?
By his logic, he's apparently had women pull ultimatums on him, so that means it is okay to pull ultimatums on completely unrelated women.
FallingEdge
Member
how does that make him a woman hater?
ultimatums happen regardless of sex
This is like saying "I refuse to have kids. But if we do have a kid, he WILL have the first name I choose. I accept nothing but that." If that is your view, then you probably just shouldn't have kids.
Actualy most studies regards this shows that the mothers get the custody most of the time more related to the fact that FATHERS ASK WAY LESS FOR CUSTODY, and because they usualy are the ones with more money the judges favor the custody for them
Seeing my mother have all the trouble changing her name back after her divorces I don't want that for anyone =P
I don't even see how forcing a prospective spouse to take your name if you "give in" to marrying her averts the disaster scenarios you've outlined in this thread. Even if this person took your name, she'd still hypothetically get half of your assets and custody of your kids according to your logic, regardless of what she's named.
From the posts you've made in this thread.
I don't think you should abandon this position yet, because you clearly don't want to get married. That's fine, but your description of how you'd propose a mandatory name change as a deterrent or some sort of insurance against your wife taking you to the cleaners is rather odd. It's very controlling behaviour.
They aren't the same thing at all.
DeaconKnowledge
Member
So the woman can have a condition of not taking my name, but I can't have any conditions. Gotcha.
It's pretty common for women to not share a last name with their children. A lot of single women who aren't married to the father, still give the child the father's last name. Also, a lot of professional women (myself included) keep our last names after marriage, but still give the child the last name of the father. It's really not that weird and it's something men could learn to adjust to (and they may have to, since I suspect this issue will become more common). Regardless of names, if you're involved in your child's life, they will grow up knowing you are their parent and loving you just the same.
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