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[DeaconKnowledge]

WTF am I getting married for? You don't have to take my name, and if you leave me I have to fork over half my stuff, and if we have kids the female gets the benefit of the doubt and gets custody of the kids more often than not. Take my name.

 

[SDCowboy]

This is a person you were getting ready to spend the rest of your life with. I assume you have a rather high threshold on the kind of person you'd marry. It should at least tell you how much you care about this person. For the sake of argument, assume that it is somebody that you truly want to marry with zero doubt. You feel as they they are "the one" and you feel you couldn't possibly find somebody better for you.

Honestly, upon further reflection, I'd probably get over it. Though, yes, I would be a bit peeved at first if she couldn't even go for hyphenated last names. The bigger issue would be if we wanted kids. That's a whole nother ball of wax.

 

[dankir]

In Quebec, it costs either $3,000 or $5,000 to change your last name. Nobody does it here and I don't care. We don't have kids yet but when we do they get my last night and my wife doesn't really care in the end.

 

[Two Words]

What is your opinion on the matter? Is it important to you? Or is it important to you that you change your last name when you marry your significant other? My fiance and I are signing papers and getting married at the end of the year. We plan on having a formal ceremony the following year. I told him that I'd rather just keep my own last name, because I like it. I feel that it sounds more unique. My first name doesn't rhyme with his last name, or anything goofy like that. I don't really want to hyphenate his last name with mine either.

I asked him why he wants me to take his last name, and he said because it would make it feel more like a family to him. I guess it seems more real to him? That's all he would say for reasoning. I don't think he should really care that much. I doubt I'll change my mind.

I don't know if he's making it an ultimatum, but you definitely should not go into a marriage that is based on conditional terms. Both sides have to accept who the other person is. If it came down to "we marry, then you change your name", that just screams bad things about what that marriage could possibly be.

 

[Omadahl]

My wife changed her middle name to her maiden name and took mine as her last. I told her she could keep her name if she wanted. It really makes no difference. My sister kept her last name. Probably worked out for the best since she then got divorced.

 

[Yaboosh]

WTF am I getting married for? You don't have to take my name, and if you leave me I have to fork over half my stuff, and if we have kids the female gets the benefit of the doubt and gets custody of the kids more often than not. Take my name.

What have you done

 

[Llyranor]

Either your name is an important part of your identity and family legacy and you should get to keep it, or it's just a name and has no value and you should discard it for the sake of someone else. You can't really have it both ways. I'm not sure why gender should have an impact of the value of the name.

 

[Mass_Pincup]

WTF am I getting married for? You don't have to take my name, and if you leave me I have to fork over half my stuff, and if we have kids the female gets the benefit of the doubt and gets custody of the kids more often than not. Take my name.

Hahaha now I think we can all agree that we found the one!

 

[Morrigan Stark]

Oh give me a break. Wanting her to take your last name is not fucking sexist. Christ.

Of course it is. 100% sexist, unless you are equally willing to take her last name.

That you fail to see the sexism is frankly even more worrying than holding a sexist belief to begin with...

 

[Hip Hop]

We marry, she takes my name.

Simple as that.

this

 

[Hypron]

WTF am I getting married for? You don't have to take my name, and if you leave me I have to fork over half my stuff, and if we have kids the female gets the benefit of the doubt and gets custody of the kids more often than not. Take my name.

Going into a marriage with that mindset probably isn't the best thing to do.

Oh give me a break. Wanting her to take your last name is not fucking sexist. Christ.

Sexism doesn't just mean hating women. This is very clearly a sexist tradition. Why does the woman take the man's name and not the opposite? Or why doesn't she keep hers.

 

[Two Words]

Honestly, upon further reflection, I'd probably get over it. Though, yes, I would be a bit peeved at first if she couldn't even go for hyphenated last names. The bigger issue would be if we wanted kids. That's a whole nother ball of wax.

I always felt that the best solution to that is daughters take the mother's name and sons take the father's name. That way, both sides have equal probability of continuing their family's name. We really have to get over the notion that families must all share the same last name. It is a meaningless trait of families.

 

[SDCowboy]

Of course it is. 100% sexist, unless you are equally willing to take her last name.

That you fail to see the sexism is frankly even more worrying than holding a sexist belief to begin with...

Well of course it would be under both wanting it. Nobody is forcing anyone to change their last name (or at least I hope not). And it's only being deemed sexist because we're talking about a heterosexual relationship. What if two women or two men were getting married and one wanted the other to change their last name so they'd have one last name. Is that still sexist?

 

[Mr Git]

The obvious solution to me always seemed that daughters would have their mother's name and sons have their father's name. That way, both sides of the family have equal probability of their name being carried on.

I'd go with circumstance and what sounds good when combined with the first name. If your surname is Manson and your partner's is Stanfield and you're both really set on either Charles or Marilyn.. then go for Stanfield. My sister got a double barrelled surname initialised VW but only because my mum and her dad were massive Volkswagen fans.

 

[jmood88]

I don't care if she wants to take my last name or keep hers.

 

[Matriox]

My fiance hates her last name and is excited to have mine, so whatever that's worth. I understand why she doesn't like hers, but if she did I wouldn't care if she kept it.

 

[Angry Grimace]

Not even vaguely important.

 

[Shamrock7r]

I feel like it would be a big hassle for friends and neighbors if you and your SO had different names.

Neighbor throwing a party: Honey, who is coming to the BBQ?

Neighbor's husband/wife: Well honey, The Garza's, The Johnson's, The Reynold's, oh, and the married couple, Jason Rodriguez and Abigail Swanson, and their son, Riley Swanson-Rodriguez, and his son, Johnathan Swanson-Rodriguez-Johansen-Garcia

So hopefully one last name is used.

 

[S-Wind]

No.

I am Vietnamese.

The woman changing her last name to her husband's last name when she marries is not done in Vietnamese culture.

Furthermore, in Vietnamese culture, last names are unimportant; they are barely anything more than a word that takes up space. No one calls anyone by their last name. If 2 or more people have the same last name no one assumes that they are related.

I remember in 2nd grade when I first found out that I had been calling all my teachers and the principal by their last name all those years. I was perplexed at why the hell people were going by their last names.

 

[LittleBoots]

WTF am I getting married for? You don't have to take my name, and if you leave me I have to fork over half my stuff, and if we have kids the female gets the benefit of the doubt and gets custody of the kids more often than not. Take my name.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Here we go...

I don't know if he's making it an ultimatum, but you definitely should not go into a marriage that is based on conditional terms. Both sides have to accept who the other person is. If it came down to "we marry, then you change your name", that just screams bad things about what that marriage could possibly be.

He's not making it an ultimatum. I just want him to be happy too. I wish we could come to an agreement about it.

 

[zswordsman]

I'd prefer it if she kept hers, actually I'd insist. Probably cause traditionally the wife keeps her name in Mexican culture. Although if she really wants to change it then whatever, it's not something I care too much about.

 

[jond76]

My wife took my name and was haooy to do it. For me its about presentingba unified front as a family. The child having the same name as both parent presents a solid idea of a family.

My wife and I married because we live each over and wanted to be one. So a name change goes along with that.

Having said that, if a husband wanted to take the wife's name, I see no problem there. The result is the same.

If you're not willing to come together in all ways as a family, don't get married.

Just my thoughts.

 

[SDCowboy]

I always felt that the best solution to that is daughters take the mother's name and sons take the father's name. That way, both sides have equal probability of continuing their family's name. We really have to get over the notion that families must all share the same last name. It is a meaningless trait of families.

Ok, now this doesn't jive with me. I'd want both siblings to have the same last name. Even if it were hers.

 

[WhateverItTakes]

I'm not sure this is strictly true. Me and my brother have our dad's surname but were brought up by our mum, who kept her name. This was never a problem.

But then, why get your Dad's and not your Mum's? Especially if you were raised by her. Probably not a problem for most people but it's another remnant of the whole 'male's name takes priority' thing. Could be a potential argument but it doesn't seem like an issue for most people.

 

[ishibear]

If my future s/o has a last name more swag than mine, best believe I'm changing mine. I would probably do it anyway. I like change.

 

[Pluto]

Threads like this one pop up from time to time and they always weird me out because what many people talk about doesn't match my experiences at all.

Very few people here keep seperate names when they get married, one partner usually changes theirs but very few people would assume the wife automatically takes her husband's name. "Which name will you use?" is a common question when a couple gets engaged, the idea that people would make fun of a guy for taking his wife's name is ... it just doesn't happen. I personally know several guys who took their wife's name and nobody cares.

 

[Banglish]

My wife took my name and was haooy to do it. For me its about presentingba unified front as a family. The child having the same name as both parent presents a solid idea of a family.

My wife and I married because we live each over and wanted to be one. So a name change goes along with that.

Having said that, if a husband wanted to take the wife's name, I see no problem there. The result is the same.

If you're not willing to come together in all ways as a family, don't get married.

Just my thoughts.

The "traditional" family unit is ever-evolving.

 

[Skellig Gra]

These threads are always a trap for the poor saps giving an honest answer. All I know is that hyphenation is not the answer.

 

[John Kowalski]

Well of course it would be under both wanting it. Nobody is forcing anyone to change their last name. And it's only being deemed sexist because we're talking about a heterosexual relationship. What if two women or two men were getting married and one wanted the other to change their last name so they'd have one last name. Is that still sexist?

What does that second half matter to the point at hand? It's still a sexist custom.

 

[Phu]

I feel like it would be a big hassle for friends and neighbors if you and your SO had different names.

Neighbor throwing a party: Honey, who is coming to the BBQ?

Neighbor's husband/wife: Well honey, The Garza's, The Johnson's, The Reynold's, oh, and the married couple, Jason Rodriguez and Abigail Swanson, and their son, Riley Swanson-Rodriguez, and his son, Johnathan Swanson-Rodriguez-Johansen-Garcia

So hopefully one last name is used.

Well honey, The Garzas. the Johnsons, the Reynold, and Jason's family.

 

[Two Words]

What does that second half matter to the point at hand? It's still a sexist custom.

Some people just refuse to acknowledge that women are expected to be the ones to make this sacrifice, which makes it sexist. It's not that two people in a heterosexual marriage discuss this and eventually they decide which name to keep based on who has the better argument. In 99.9% of cases, the question is simply "Is the woman going to take the man's name or not?"

 

[outunderthestars]

I don't really care though it is a bit funny as her maiden name is Prince, and my last name is King. It's like she is getting an upgrade.


(It took us way longer than it should have to notice this)

 

[Decider]

If you're not willing to come together in all ways as a family, don't get married.

Just my thoughts.

Jesus. My wife and I have been happily married for 11 years now and name changing barely warranted more of a discussion than a few seconds of mutual laughter before the event.

 

[Mr Git]

But then, why get your Dad's and not your Mum's? Especially if you were raised by her. Probably not a problem for most people but it's another remnant of the whole 'male's name takes priority' thing. Could be a potential argument but it doesn't seem like an issue for most people.

I don't know really. I think my dad insisted on it but they'd divorced before I was 3. It ended up alreet, the surname we got gels better with our first names so cannae complain. I agree it is a remnant of that - I'm not keen on it, but it never caused any problems aside from occasionally, "they have their dad's name" "ah right".

 

[Shamrock7r]

Well honey, The Garzas. the Johnsons, the Reynold, and Jason's family.

So you are saying Jason, as the male, is the dominant family member and it isn't an equal partnership, ie "Jason and Abigail's family" Hmmmmmmmm?

Spoiler

~

 

[SDCowboy]

What does that second half matter to the point at hand? It's still a sexist custom.

It matters because it's only being called sexist because it's regarding a woman taking a man's last name. If in a gay couple, one wants the other guy to take his last name, is that still sexist? No it's not. The majority of people like the tradition of one last name and they aren't likely doing to be sexist. It shouldn't be assumed that it's under sexist reasoning.

 

[Mesoian]

nope

 

[Orayn]

I feel like it would be a big hassle for friends and neighbors if you and your SO had different names.

Neighbor throwing a party: Honey, who is coming to the BBQ?

Neighbor's husband/wife: Well honey, The Garza's, The Johnson's, The Reynold's, oh, and the married couple, Jason Rodriguez and Abigail Swanson, and their son, Riley Swanson-Rodriguez, and his son, Johnathan Swanson-Rodriguez-Johansen-Garcia

So hopefully one last name is used.

If we're looking at completely petty bad things like this, then look at the bonuses too, like it being a good excuse to hang up on telemarketers.

"HELLO IS MRS. (DAD'S LAST NAME) HOME?"

”Nope."

My mom kept her last name and this happened to me all the time as a kid.

 

[Phu]

So you are saying Jason, as the male, is the dominant family member and it isn't an equal partnership, ie "Jason and Abigail's family" Hmmmmmmmm?

Spoiler

~

I don't know the relationship between your fictional pov family and the other families.

 

[Sch1sm]

WTF am I getting married for? You don't have to take my name, and if you leave me I have to fork over half my stuff, and if we have kids the female gets the benefit of the doubt and gets custody of the kids more often than not. Take my name.

Who hurt you? I hope this is a joke.

You're getting married because you want to make a life with that person, not because you want to unload your surname on them, I hope. If you don't want to have to "fork over half of your stuff" which isn't the case in a lot of places, anyway, it's called a prenup agreement. The female may get benefit of the doubt in a custody battle if she's of sound mind and has the means, but maybe if you weren't such a mess with your opinions you'd get joint custody, or partial. Bruh.

I don't see how a woman choosing to not take your surname changes those later points in any way, and the manner in which you've phrased it makes it look as if you're too wholly focused on what you own or made rather than a relationship. Check your negative viewpoint.

------

Not a thing in my religion/culture. My mother kept her maiden name, all of her sisters did. Her mother. My father's female family.

I'd keep my surname, but it's simply what I'm used to. I don't see any benefit to it, whatsoever.

 

[kswiston]

Threads like this one pop up from time to time and they always weird me out because what many people talk about doesn't match my experiences at all.

Very few people here keep seperate names when they get married, one partner usually changes theirs but very few people would assume the wife automatically takes her husband's name. "Which name will you use?" is a common question when a couple gets engaged, the idea that people would make fun of a guy for taking his wife's name is ... it just doesn't happen. I personally know several guys who took their wife's name and nobody cares.

Probably helps if people said where they were from. Countries have different takes on these sorts of things.


My wife kept her name. She is a scientist, and was publishing under her name before we got married. Why change her identity? Our daughter has my name, because I wanted her to have my name, and my wife didn't care either way.

My parents divorced and my dad (who I lived with post-divorce growing up) remarried over 20 years ago. Different last names in one family group isn't as big a deal as some here make it out to be.

 

[Easton Dark]

He's not making it an ultimatum. I just want him to be happy too. I wish we could come to an agreement about it.

There's no agreement or compromise that wouldn't be silly beyond hyphenation. "Use this name Monday through Friday, and the other on the weekend", etc.

For both your happiness, I'd say keep your name and find something else that you could do for him.

For my contribution to the thread: Family names mean nothing to me. It's all about 'dat first name basis.

 

[a very cute dog]

No, not at all. It's not like I'd take their name.

 

[Shamrock7r]

If we're looking at completely petty bad things like this, then look at the bonuses too, like it being a good excuse to hang up on telemarketers.

"HELLO IS MRS. (DAD'S LAST NAME) HOME?"

”Nope."

My mom kept her last name and this happened to me all the time as a kid.

hmmm, touche. I've changed my mind

 

[xxracerxx]

Important? Not really. Easier? YUP.

My wife took my last name as it was just so much easier to deal with banking and insurances that way. Didn't force her to and when she decided to do it:

How is it any more difficult with different last names? There was absolutely no confusion from the banks, mortgage company, insurance, US Customs (Global Entry), etc. It is just not a big deal anymore.

 

[Two Words]

There's no agreement or compromise that wouldn't be silly beyond hyphenation. "Use this name Monday through Friday, and the other on the weekend", etc.

For both your happiness, I'd say keep your name and find something else that you could do for him.

I think that generally when two people have opposing views with no real solution that satisfies both people, it is important to look at whose demands are more reasonable than the others. When it comes to marital names, it is more reasonable to want to keep your own name than to want somebody to change their name to yours. So basically, the only real compromise is that the guy deals with it.

 

[reptilescorpio]

My wife kept her last name as it costs money here to change it over after getting married so we never bothered.

 

[Data West]

I just don't want our kids to have to write some long as fuck surname

 

[WhateverItTakes]

I don't know really. I think my dad insisted on it but they'd divorced before I was 3. It ended up alreet, the surname we got gels better with our first names so cannae complain. I agree it is a remnant of that - I'm not keen on it, but it never caused any problems aside from occasionally, "they have their dad's name" "ah right".

If you like the name alls well that ends well I suppose. I'm always happy I didn't end up with like 'Billingsworth' or some other shit.

Something I've heard of with having parents with their own surnames is that the girls get the Mum's name and the boys get their Dad's, which I think is a dumb solution.

 

[xxracerxx]

I just don't want our kids to have to write some long as fuck surname

Ok...so pick one or the other for the kid's last name.